Meagan Narvaez on Mindful Sex – Smart Sex, Smart Love

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  • Episode Transcript

Today Joe is joined by Sex Coach and host of, ‘The Sex And…’ podcast, Meagan Narvaez and they’re chatting about how to connect to our body’s wants and needs, in order to stay more present during sex, whether solo or with partner(s). Meagan is a queer Latinex therapeutic sex and relationship coach, currently living in Atlanta, Georgia. She helps clients explore their sexual and mental blocks, so they can have fulfilling, orgasmic, thrilling, and gratifying sex.

“Sex is a skill set,” says Meagan, “And most of us have many obstacles that prevent us from tapping into those skills. I help people take control of their sex lives.” Joe and Meagan talk about how mindful sex can help you be more satisfied in bed, plus, and more importantly, love yourself more wholeheartedly. This episode is all about sex positivity!

Find Meagan Narvaez at:
Website | Podcast | Facebook

Speaker 1:

Welcome to smart sex, smart love. We’re talking about sex goes beyond the taboos and talking about love goes beyond the honeymoon. I’m dr Joe Kort. Thanks for tuning in.

Speaker 2:

Hello and welcome back to smart sex smart love. Thank you for joining me and if this is your first time listening to my show, welcome today I’m joined by sex coach and host of the sex end podcast, Meagan Narvarez and we’ll be chatting about how to connect to our body’s wants and needs in order to stay present during sex, whether solo or with partners or a partner. Megan is a queer Latinex and us citizen currently living in Atlanta, Georgia, where she works as a therapeutic sex and relationship coach. Megan helps clients explore their sexual and mental blocks so they can have fulfilling, orgasmic, thrilling, and gratifying sex. Sex is a skill sets. Megan and most of us have many obstacles that prevent us from tapping into those skills. I want to help people take control of their sex lives. We’ll be talking about how mindful sex can help you be satisfied in bed. And more importantly, love yourself more wholehearted, wholeheartedly, wholeheartedly love it. Welcome Megan. Hello. Hello. It’s so good to have you here. And so good to talk about sex positivity and so much of what you want to talk about here is exactly what I want people to hear. So, um, so what, what would you like as we start this podcast overall? What would you like people to get out of this?

Speaker 3:

Sure. I want people to, um, I want people to get out of this. That’s uh, it is important to, to focus on yourself first before you can really branch out and, uh, explore with other people. And a lot of us do have, as you mentioned before, uh, health challenges and other kinds of challenges that get in the way of that. And it’s important to name them and honor and accept that those are there in order to then work through them.

Speaker 2:

That’s a really good reminder. I always liked the expression, and I don’t know why there’s not a book with this title when they say I’m planes. Put your mask on first before assisting others. Right. I love that. Right. And so that’s kind of what you’re saying is really focused more on yourself too.

Speaker 3:

Correct. Yeah, it is really important. Um, because I think a lot of us, we want amazing sex and we are stuck in our heads about what that looks like, what we look like, uh, how, how we’re functioning with other partners. But at the core of it is our self esteem in our wellness and our, our health. And when we’re able to focus on those and better those, then, then it’s one that can be improved with other people.

Speaker 2:

You know, I’m also thinking about when I was in sex therapy training, know you learn, you can’t have an orgasm and at the same time thinking about your partner, orgasm demands complete self focus. Right,

Speaker 3:

right. A mindful focus. Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

So talk about mindful focus. What, when you say mindful, that’s such a buzz word in our field now. And a lot of layman people weren’t. Therapists don’t know what that means. So can you tell us what you mean by it?

Speaker 3:

What I mean by it is to be fully present in a way where thoughts and judgments are no longer in the picture, in, in your experience. And for people, um, especially those with Volvo’s. Um, those who are women we can take a little while to get there. Often if you are in a heterosexual relationship for example, or in a, um, in a gay relationship with two women as well. But um, usually the, the idea is that men can, can get to that point a little faster. Um, so we need more time to, to tune into our bodies in order to experience pleasure. And I think we can get frustrated when that doesn’t happen right away, but there are measures that you can do to, to help it, to improve that so that you can get to a place where you’re fully present, not thinking about, Oh, what am I going to get this orgasm?

Speaker 3:

Is it going to happen for me? How do I look? Do I look awkward? Is my orgasm face going to be ugly? Or being worried about your body and how you’re performing, being an observer, an observer of yourself. And kind of set on what the experience looks like versus really just like feeling the touch and feeling the pleasure as it goes down your spine. And in order to do that, you have to notice when you are maybe in a judgment face and try to pull yourself out of that and really focus on what your body is feeling and how you were feeling emotionally in the process.

Speaker 2:

I love everything you’re saying. I know for women it’s so hard and I don’t think I truly appreciated how hard it is for women until the me too movement started. And I started listening to women and talking about, um, not just kind of men treat them, but how women treat themselves and each other and the messages that women get about, you know, your body and the airbrushing and magazines and I mean, that’s gotta be such a tall order to, um, do what you’re asking is try, you know, cause you’re fighting messages all the way from childhood, right?

Speaker 3:

Yeah. It’s a lot of pressure and it can put a lot of strain on ourselves to look and perform and feel a certain way, especially, uh, if, if you have, for example, an illness, whether it’s physical illness, mental health, illness, or even, uh, problems with addiction, it becomes a lot harder because all those things from what society tells us is wrong and not okay and that you’re not good enough or even broken and it becomes harder to feel your body and accept what you were feeling when, when all of these pressures and judgments are in the way.

Speaker 2:

Do you think it’s different for lesbian and or queer women than for heterosexual women?

Speaker 3:

I think it’s different. Yes. Um, and um, it really then still dependents that I, for example, have a partner who is male and he makes sure that he is attuned to these kinds of issues and is aware and mindful with me mindful of how he’s interacting with me. And if you are in a partner relationship with, to pull the owners or to women, then communicate. But even then, the people in the relationship have to be able to communicate those things because no one’s experiences completely shared by another or others.

Speaker 2:

Right. So either way, communication is a priority. That’s what I’ve been saying on every single show. And I’m glad you mentioned that. I know people are going to get stuck on this. You said I’m a queer woman, but you, you’re with a man. So can you tell people they’re gonna be like, wait, what?

Speaker 3:

Sure. Yeah. So I identify as bisexual or pansexual, but I use the overarching term of queer and I, I honestly sometimes do have a challenging, uh, experience with that identity because on the outside we do look like a heterosexual couple. And especially with biracial in society and in culture and even within the queer community, it makes it hard to, to reconcile that. But, uh, in the end, that doesn’t erase the experiences I’ve had with other people and my desire for other women. And so I use the term queer to encompass all of that. But it is, um, a little bit of a challenge in relationship when, when other people are peeking in and wonder like, Hmm, you say you’re clear but you’re, you’re dating a dude. So what’s up with that?

Speaker 2:

I, and I’m glad, I’m glad. I know the show’s not about that, but I know people would get stuck on that. And I’m glad you did it. Cause I teach that all the time. I mean, I have people that are, that would otherwise be identified as heterosexual, but they’re even identifying as queer because they don’t want to be limited or bound to any label.

Speaker 3:

Right. Right. And, uh, my partner and I do, um, communicate the idea of being an open relationship to make room for, uh, other, other people, whether that’s, um, uh, a woman or person who’s non binary, basically anyone that, that I’m attracted to and wants to develop a relationship sexually or romantically or even just as a hookup with. And I think that’s important too, to talk about in conversations where maybe you see primarily, uh, two people in a relationship, but there might actually be more to it than that.

Speaker 2:

How do you help people with the idea that like, cause you just talked about being an open relationship or people that are in palliate relationships, people who want to be but have the judgment in their or what they’ve learned. It’s not okay, something’s wrong with you. You want too much. You know, all the crap that people are out there. How do they mindfully get away from those kinds of judgments so they can free themselves?

Speaker 3:

Yeah. So that, that is a huge thing because in our culture, uh, being in a non monogamous relationship is can be seen as sinful or selfish or that there’s something wrong with the relationship. And I see it as not that there’s something wrong or that there’s something that needs to be fixed, but there is something that can be added because one person can’t fulfill all of your needs, not all the time. And so in order to, to fix that, at least in my own experiences and talking to other people, looking into other resources, for example, but open relationships and polyamory, for example, Kevin Patterson and poly role models is an awesome example of that. Uh, people you can go to to see what that looks like and see what resonates with you and to have that conversation with your partner. One, it feels comfortable. And I do want to emphasize though, the comfortability piece because let’s say you and your partner are in a tense situation and you just all of a sudden throw one like, Hey, what do you think about polyamory? That that might make things more uncomfortable if not make the other person insecure or wonder, you know, all kinds of negative things out of fear and jealousy and maybe questioning their own self worth and the relationship. So I think it does have to be properly timed how you present it, but the possibility is there if you communicate about it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. And I would imagine that’s why I’m glad you brought up being open and how that could be in the way of somebody having mindful sex because those kinds of judgments, the Mo, the Managa normativity of our culture, um, makes people feel like, well, I shouldn’t be that, but I’m not that. What are other things that might be, uh, you know, needed to, um, use mindfulness for like other messages people have that would get in the way?

Speaker 3:

Uh, can you, can you say that another way? Sorry.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So like, um, you know, so someone’s trying to be mindful, like you’re saying, and they have all these other, other judgments. What are some of the things people have told you? Like this isn’t my way you’re asking me to be mindful, but I th I can’t cause this is, I’m stuck on this.

Speaker 3:

Right. Okay. So an important part of that is to, at first, um, take a moment and do some self reflecting of what kinds of things can help you to stay in the moment from what you already know. I think a lot of people when they try something new, they want to pull all kinds of new things into their life and it could be too much age. So it’s important to start with already with the environment what already feels good and find what is pleasurable for you, not even related to sex. Like does a certain perfume make you feel good? And if that’s already part of your team, great. But instead of just going into your bathroom and like putting some on and keep going, like take a moment to actually breathe that in and like remember that smell cause after a while BB come on autopilot and everything we do is just a task to be done and we don’t stop to really focus on it.

Speaker 3:

And so you can bring that same idea into your sexual relationship. And again, to start, start from the basics of your own everyday life and bring things into your yourself. Again, because this is starting with you first, that help you to, to focus and be attuned to your body. Is it a specific scent? Is it a certain outfit that you can wear throughout the day that makes you feel good or even lingerie underneath that helps you to feel sexy so you can walk a little taller throughout your day and feel confident about yourself? Do you have to maybe get yourself out of PJ’s cause right now with Kobe 19, uh, it is very easy to be comfortable, but if being cozy and comfortable doesn’t connect with feeling sensual and erotic, then do you have to maybe put on a different outfit for that day just so to help you to boost your confidence?

Speaker 3:

Do you enjoy certain tastes? Do you joy certain feelings? Um, I think a lot of us as we’re going around throughout our day, um, don’t really notice associations around us. It’s important to spend a little time, even just a couple of seconds focusing on those sensations. And over time it becomes a practice. And with that practice, it helps you to focus that on sensations that are happening in your body during sex. So maybe when you’re with your partner, especially after dating for X amount of years or months and it’s starting to feel routine and mundane, maybe that kiss on your neck doesn’t feel the same as it did when you first started dating. And so you have to first observe those feelings again in your body without making any judgements about it.

Speaker 2:

This is helpful. I very helpful and it reminded me of things I’ve done naturally that I didn’t even know I was doing as I’ve aged, right. I’m in my fifties now and things that make me feel sexier or better about myself as working out. You know, I started doing that in my late forties having a stronger body. I grew up, my full beard makes me feel sexier. I started wearing sport coats, I’m putting beard oil in. I just started. And actually it’s also probably because of the whole gender focus and the LGBTQ community of using, what’s your pronoun? And I’m sort of embracing my, he hits him. Uh, I mean I, I’m a cisgender, but it’s embracing my gender even more as an older guy has made me feel sexier. That’s kind of what you’re talking about. Right?

Speaker 3:

Right. And as you say that, I was thinking of myself, for example, I, for body hair, body hair doesn’t bother me. I can go months without shaving my legs, but I do notice that sometimes that also means I’m not really paying attention to my legs. And so when I finally start noticing, I’m just parts of my body that I’m not paying attention to and putting care into them, whether that’s putting lotion on myself and making it a habit or a ritual to to take care of my body by moisturizing my skin. Um, or by putting on, um, something sensual like, um, my, my partner gave me this, um, aroma therapy incense that is Bazell Bazell scented and it smells really good. And so I just put a little dab on my neck and just like walk around breathing that in. Uh, it makes me feel more confident, more erotic because I know that he also enjoys the smell.

Speaker 3:

That’s why he bought it for me because he loves the smell of diesel. And so that helps me to feel a little bit more in my zone, which then helps me to, to build the confidence in myself again. And that does change over time cause I think we forget what feels good to us when we’re so busy or stressed. As we age, things start to change. Um, maybe our bodies changed in ways don’t, don’t feel good. And we have to find ways to, to come to terms with that and to, um, do things that help us to remind ourselves that our bodies are actually wonderful and they, they keep us going and they keep us powerful. And to bring ourselves back to that. Even after we age or let’s say we have cancer and our bodies after all the medication we’re taking are just making us feel not as good, not as strong, not as, um, balanced. And so we need to, to do extra care for ourselves too, to get us back into, to feeling okay in our bodies.

Speaker 2:

I remember this was probably 10 years ago, I went into Brooks brothers, which I never had gone into before. And I thought, huh, I kind of like this because the clothes in here, I’ve never, how come I never liked them before? And then I realized that really they have at least historically catered to older guys. And I had to realize I’m an older guy now. That’s why to me, you know. So I’m glad. I appreciate you saying that about age and even cancer and health. So what’s a typical session with you? They hire you to be their coach and you’re going to teach them mindfulness. Like what would be the typical things you would do in a session?

Speaker 3:

Sure. I would focus first on doing some self reflective exercises of what is it that they want. Because I think that’s a question that maybe catches people off guard to say like, well, what do you want in your sexual encounters? And it’s, it’s sometimes hard to answer. And so to break that down and to really give yourself a chance to explore that, maybe do some research on possibilities. Uh, Lindsay DOE has a great YouTube video about the wants, will, won’t list of things that you want to do in bed. You will do but maybe haven’t done or there’s maybe some hesitation, but you’re willing to give it a try. And then there’s actual like an art stop. Absolutely not. I will not do that. And to explore those kinds of lists and write things down and to, to even remember and reflect on the past.

Speaker 3:

Uh, when we were first dating, people were literally, hi, our brain chemicals go crazy. And we are high on this relationship. Everything feels good and euphoric and amazing. And over time that didn’t sit down. But if you think about what felt good in those first moments, or maybe even when you were younger, going back to times where you did feel more positive in your sexual encounters and experiences and more confident yourself to pull from those memories to remind yourself of what feels good. And then also to take note by doing some self exploration by yourself. Take time to masturbate, pay attention to the rhythms of that and how that feels. Um, a lot of people with Volvos have us, for example, a side of the clutter. If that feels better than the other and you know, pay attention to those senses and, and get attuned to your body in that way and then journal and reflect and find then a space for you to communicate that with your partners if you are in a relationship. And so we would start with those foundations first. Um, but then also to say again, let’s say you have health challenges. Maybe you’re on mental health medications that affect your, um, your sex drive or just makes your body feel groggy too. To also take note of that so that you can talk to your prescribers or, uh, talk to your medical providers to see as a, as a team how other people in your life and in your care can help so that you can get back to a better sense of feeling balanced.

Speaker 2:

One of the things I love about your coaching is that you also talk about solo sex, masturbation, auto erotic experiences. So much of sexuality is talked about in terms of partnership. What would you want people to hear about how you coach people in solo mindfulness during sex

Speaker 3:

to take time to have sex for yourself and partnered relationships? I can be easy to put a lot of expectations on the partner to, to, to know what feels good without even saying it. But with solo sex, that’s a different experience. It’s just you, the, I guess the, the wonkiness and the awkward or discomfort of not really knowing how to communicate or connect. All that goes away because it’s just you and it’s the most optimal time to feel pleasure because you know your body best and you can explore all those things without having to find the words for how to communicate what feels good. So I think we do often get stuck on the wording or just like getting it off of her tongues, like what we need. Like we might know that viscerally, but saying it is that it’s a different situation and so with solo sex it’s, it’s all you, you can put on the music you like, you can get into a position that feels good for you. It doesn’t even have to be on the bed. A lot of us maybe from growing up, we have sex very quickly with ourselves because we don’t want to get caught. But you can, you can do on the couch in the bathroom and the car in a safe place away from people outside, whatever it feels good and just really sit with your body to enjoy that and recognize that it’s not just the relationship that can fulfill you, it’s also yourself.

Speaker 2:

How do you work with people who have taboo about masturbation? I can just hear people listening to this going, Oh my God, my religion. You know, my culture. You know, even, uh, many women in my office say, you know, Oh, I could never do that. Or you know that like men tend to, uh, in my office anyways and even amongst my friends talk more openly and, uh, engage more in masturbation than women. How do you help women get past that?

Speaker 3:

To remind them that we do have an organ that is made purely for pleasure and if it’s from religious sense, then to say that it was, it was made for a reason so that you can feel that pleasure. And I think a lot of us have a lot of people with Volvos have hangups about maybe masturbation because we don’t even know what our bodies look like and we don’t have a chance to see what other bodies look like when, for example, people have penises from the beginning, they’re, they’re accessing their penis by touching it when they have to use a bathroom. They see all the time when they change, maybe they go into the locker room and then you can kind of glance at or see other kinds of bodies and penises. Volvos are like such a mystery because we can’t see them unless we either take a mirror to ourselves or we have our legs open for other people to see.

Speaker 3:

But it makes it really hard to really understand that the, the down there as people call it is normal because we, for example, use very, um, a mysterious terms like down there or um, the coochie or whatever other wordings that people have because it’s uncomfortable for a lot of people to even say the words vagina or vulva. And so when you release the mystery by let’s say, uh, if it’s comfortable looking at porn, um, although porn isn’t always the best example because there is, for example, labor labioplasty where there are surgeries and other ways to make the vulvas look different. There is feminist porn out there and other kinds of websites that you can go to that can have more of a diverse, um, diverse, diverse visuals for what vulvas look like. There’s also books that you can see. There are Instagram accounts, for example, the vulva gallery that you can look at to see the diversity of Volvos so that you don’t have to feel like yours is such a mystery or ugly or disgusting depending on how you’re raised to, to think about it.

Speaker 3:

And from there you can get more comfortable with touching yourself, exploring, experimenting, and at the same time reminding yourself over and over again that you know, your, your role, your clip, your clutter is, is, is there and it’s for you to access and enjoy or else it wouldn’t be there. Just like we have a tongue so we can taste and know how delicious a strawberry with chocolate on it is or I am, for example, I’m Latin, so I love rice and beans. I love empanadas. Those are my favorite things to eat and so I can get pleasure from, from really sitting and enjoying that. Um, but my tongue is there for that reason, to enjoy, to feel that pleasure, my skin, my skin consent. So many things because it’s there to sense that so that when something is brushing on me that feels really good. My, my skin tingles and I can continue to enjoy that for myself because there’s nothing shameful about skin. Right? But your Volvo is just an extension of that. Your clearest is just an extension of that

Speaker 2:

I wish. And some point where maybe we’ll do this live where people can see you, but I’m able to watch you on zoom here while you’re talking. You’re so comfortable with yourself. You’re talking about this so naturally. I just, I think it would be so, it must be so nice for men and women, whomever or any gender or nonbinary sitting with you. I’m watching you teach this. It’s not just what you’re saying, it’s how you’re saying it. You’re so comfortable in your own skin. It’s so obvious to me.

Speaker 3:

Thank you. I am very passionate about sexuality. Even since I was a teenager. It’s been an interest of mine. And also then to mention too, for me like learning about sexuality increases my sex drive and my sexual energy and one because it a passion of mine. But I think also just like getting in the, in the mode of really like putting your mind into the idea of sex helps, which is why scheduling sex. I did not think that was going to buzz. Sorry, what I was saying go back. Um, which is why scheduling sex is so important because it puts you in a mindset of preparing yourself mentally and emotionally, physically for sex.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. People have an allergic reaction to scheduling and I always tell them, people’s schedule, sex when they’re having affairs, let’s go here, we’ll be here this night and this day and here’s what we’re going to do. And when you’re in the beginning of a relationship, you’re already for sex every day, every minute. Right. But after that all goes away, you absolutely not only have to schedule sex with a partner, but schedule a sexual time with yourself.

Speaker 3:

Right, right. Yeah. Um, I think I, to be honest, when I first heard about scheduling sec for, for my own relations, um Hmm. I don’t know, that sounds pretty mundane, but when I really start to think about it and talk to other people about it, I realize that like, yeah, scheduling sex makes sense. When we, for example, go on a date and we’re putting on a special outfit, we’ve got ourselves shaved and ready to go and we kind of have a sense of what’s going to happen that night that is still scheduling sex, even if it feels more spontaneous because it’s a date and you don’t actually know where things are going. Um, when, when we are having sex even in, um, dating or hookup before being in a longterm relationship that that planning is still part of it. And that planning is then what goes into continuing a healthy stress. I don’t want to say structured, um, a healthy and, um, Hmm. Sorry if you cut all of my awkward trying to figure out a word for that. Um,

Speaker 2:

just a positive sexual health experience maybe, right?

Speaker 3:

Yeah. Uh, a positive sexual health experience that, uh, doesn’t put so much expectation on it being spontaneous because when we’re stressed out, it might be hard to, to be spontaneous if we have kids, if we’re living in let’s say a circumstance where we’re sharing our, our home, whether it’s like having roommates or living with your parents. I think a lot of people, this conversation gets missed a lot, but for example, there are people who share bedrooms with their kids, you know, and it, it becomes hard and discouraging to feel like, Oh, I can’t have a relationship with anyone because my kid is around all the time. I lived in Seattle and there was a huge homeless crisis. There is a huge homeless crisis that is occurring and many people can’t afford homes that have one bedroom, let alone two. So being able to say, okay, I know my kid is going to be out of the house at this time and I can plan for that. It makes it a lot easier to open up the possibilities instead of closing them off because scheduled sex isn’t sound as alluring.

Speaker 2:

Yes. All right. So how can people find you on the internet or you know that they want to work with you?

Speaker 3:

You can find me on Megan marvayas.com and on social media, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook as sex coach Meagan, you can also find me on my podcast, the sex and podcasts, which you can go to Megan, our bias.com/podcasts to find those episodes.

Speaker 2:

Thank you so much, Megan, for being on the show and I’d like to thank everyone for listening and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram and Twitter at dr Joe court and please rate, review and subscribe to my podcast until next week. See you next time.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for listening to this episode of smart sex smart love. I’m dr Joe court and you can find me on Joe kort.com that’s J O E K O R t.com. See you next time.

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