‘Reasons Why I’m Single’ girls, Chelsie & Staci on Relationship Killers & How to Navigate Them – Smart Sex, Smart Love

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This week, Joe’s guests are co-hosts Chelsie & Staci from the comedy lifestyle podcast, “Reasons Why I’m Single” – a hilarious show revealing the struggles two 30 something Metro Detroiters have dating.

These girls pride themselves on being open books! ‘Reasons Why I’m Single’ discusses the ups and downs (hint: mostly “downs”) and mayhem that ensues in the world of dating today. The girls join Joe to talk all things, ‘Relationship Killers,’ – what to look out for, how to navigate the bad stuff, and how to deal with baggage from previous relationship experiences, to be able to move on in love. As Chelsie says, “You don’t want your relationship to feel like a job! You need to find a partner that helps you put on your clothes after sex, as well as taking them off you beforehand!”

The girls believe that, in the long run, trust and communication with your partner will be more successful, than a bunch of luggage from failed matches. Plus, they advise dating with RuPaul’s words firmly at the forefront of your mind, “If you can’t love yourself, how are you going to love anyone else?!”

Find Chelsie & Staci at:
Podcast | Facebook

Welcome to smart sex, smart love. We’re talking about sex goes beyond the taboos and talking about love goes beyond the honeymoon. I’m dr Joe court. Thanks for tuning in.

Speaker 2:

Hello and welcome to smart sex, smart love. I would like to welcome back all my listeners and to those of you that are new. Thank you for joining me this week. I’m joined by cohost Chelsea and Stacy from the comedy lifestyle podcast. Reasons why I’m single, a hilarious show revealing the struggles to 30 something Metro Detroiters have in the dating world. These girls pride themselves themselves on being open books. They’re here to talk about all things, relationship killers, what to look out for, how to navigate the bad stuff, and how to deal with the baggage from previous relationship experiences to be able to move on and love. The girls believe that in the long run, trust, trust, and communication with your partner will be more successful than a bunch of luggage from failed matches. So let’s explore that. Welcome Chelsea and Stacy. It’s very psychological. The whole idea about not taking past relationships, stuff in the new relationship stuff is very basic psychology. Can you talk about that for a minute? How do you understand that?

Speaker 3:

I mean I definitely am not a hundred percent successful with it every time, but I think, but I think it’s important to go into new relationships with the best intentions and knowing, you know, if you have trust issues from previous relationships, you can’t put that on your new potential partner because they don’t have though they didn’t come to that with those issues. They and you can’t take it out on them. That’s you’re setting yourself up for failure. Exactly. Agree. Yeah. Cause we all have, we all don’t have the same shared experiences. So it’s not fair for me to assume that my partner will automatically know where I’m coming from no matter what the topic is. So to be able to discuss that and see, okay, why don’t we see eye to eye on these issues or really just helps all relationships.

Speaker 2:

That makes so much sense to me. And I’ll tell you what else I love about your work. When Julie, my producer sent this to me. I love that. What our relationship, you have these lists of relationship killers, right? And most people, we don’t do that in my field. We’re like, Oh, here’s what happened. Here’s what to do, here’s how to make it work. We don’t have a lot of things about, we do have a few like, um, there’s a therapist named John Gottman. He does a lot of marital, uh, research and he says the four horsemen will kill your relationship, contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness. So that’s really the only time researcher I know of that’s really talking about what other than, so I’d like to hear your, like you have these lists of relationship pillars. Can you talk about them?

Speaker 3:

Oh yeah, absolutely. We have enough relationships here. Um, no, I, I, I think one of the big ones is unspoken expectations. If you’re like leans into communication, but if you’re not verbalizing what you need from your partner, you can’t expect them to know. And then, and then in like internally we take, we get angry with them and they don’t even know why. It’s like when you wake up from a bad dream and you were fighting with them in a dream and you wake up in your mouth and when you wake up, Oh my God,

Speaker 2:

true. There’s a therapist in my field, he says couples fight over contracts they never made [inaudible].

Speaker 4:

Oh that’s great. That’s a real, and along with that, definitely just having patients and how you react to something. Because again, like if I have certain expectations, just like Chelsea was saying, like unspoken expectations, like listen, my birthday is coming up. Like I want you to do something special and then nothing happens. I’m just like, what the heck is going on? But then I actually dated someone who was like that. But then once we unpacked it, he was just like, Oh, we never celebrated birthdays. Growing up as a kid, we didn’t have a lot of money, so we didn’t spend money on that. So then I’m over here about to get mad that they’re not doing anything special. Whereas they grew up as it not being special. So it’s just I have to be patient with that. So then it’s like, Hey, like if an anniversary is coming up, I have to be patient and be like, Oh, this isn’t something that they’re used to. Let’s walk through this together.

Speaker 2:

Yes. And sometimes you have to do that multiple kinds, not just once

Speaker 4:

preach.

Speaker 2:

So a lot of your experiences that you coming to your podcast with are personal or are they learned from, are you in psychology majors or what is it?

Speaker 3:

Most of it is personal.

Speaker 4:

Yes. If not all of it.

Speaker 2:

Like it looks like when I read through it, like you would have some psychology background that you understand and you really do. It seems like they’re all like this whole thing, be more like me mentality. Such a relationship killer. Can you talk about that one?

Speaker 4:

Oh gosh. It’s the worst. I mean like for me with my dating experience, usually it’s opposites attract and so I think that was a big issue that I had when first let’s say in my early twenties and beginning to date. Whereas I would see potential in someone and then, Oh, I can change them, I can mold them, I can help them become the best person they can be. Whereas what I wasn’t really saying was that I wanted to change them. Right. Exactly. Or as they were fine before they met me, they’ll be fine after they met me. So it’s just understanding that we’re individually individuals, we’re two different people. So let’s just learn like what we like about each other

Speaker 2:

in therapy terms, we call that differentiation. Can both of you be different and not have to make the other one right or wrong or good or bad, really sitting with the tension of having difference

Speaker 3:

of opinions? Correct. And I think that, I think that goes into all relationships. I mean, Stacy and I have been friends since we were 12 and he always says our relationship can drink, but to imply that like you can’t, I mean obviously we’re not going to agree on everything, but I think that’s one of our strengths is that we are so different in other things and when that comes around, um, but I think that’s something because we’re relationships spend so long, but it does help in romantic relationships because I know I’m going to see Stacy every week and if we don’t agree, she’s going to be like, Oh, I can’t see it here. She means it with love, but it’s the way we talk to each other.

Speaker 3:

You talked about the difference between dating in your thirties versus your twenties so what’s fun about dating in your thirties I think knowing yourself more, I wish I created, we press that a lot on our show is that I wish I could just shake the girls who are 20 right now on being like, I’m 22 and I’m ready and orthopedic or even just people who haven’t had that chance to really like delve into their own sexuality. You don’t really know who you are at 20 you don’t really know who are 25 I personally didn’t really get a true sense of my self until I was well into my thirties and then it was like, now I know because my standard of self care is so high, my standard of my expectation of care from someone else is much higher. I’m not gonna accept the guy who’s like, Oh yeah, you know, let’s, let’s, you know, I wouldn’t want to speculate, but you know,

Speaker 4:

Oh pretty jealous. I completely agree with all of that. Just twenties we’re just very young and carefree and whatever came my way. We’ll see what happens. But now my thirties are very much more purposeful and like Chelsea said, like we put in the work into self care. So I know what I need so I can’t pour out to other people if I myself am not filled. So the fact that I’ve taken the time to make sure that I’m good, it puts me in a better head space in a better place to be able to be a great partner.

Speaker 3:

I’m telling you guys are so savvy and have you been in therapy? I think, I think I probably should be.

Speaker 4:

Okay. Therapy’s awesome. But I’m fortunate to be friends with therapists, but um, yeah, just I feel like just for me just having a wise counsel around you and just knowing that I don’t know at all. I am not always right and just being open minded to people

Speaker 3:

just for me, just being open in prayer. I pray a lot. I love all that. I love hearing wise counsel. What a great, so I was in my twenties so I’m gay and I dated a lot of guys in my twenties I was out, it was the eighties it didn’t

Speaker 2:

get serious though until uh, it was like I was 27 and I saw that I’m dating these guys, I’m being sexual really soon with them and then nothing happens. They go away and I get a touch and it hurts me because I can now see they’re only wanting to have sex with me. And so I got really serious like you are in your thirties in my late later twenties and I met my husband at 30 and we’ve been together 27 years.

Speaker 4:

Oh my God.

Speaker 2:

I feel really fortunate because I had no role models, nothing. Even my own family had fucked up relationships and didn’t make, I didn’t want anything to look like that. But you’re getting this now into your thirties and um, what do you do about sex? A lot of my clients will say, I don’t want to be sexual really fast. I want to kind of take it slow. What do you think of that?

Speaker 3:

I mean I think in general if, I mean I’m, I’m straight, but I am in general. I think that guys, it is harder now with, with online dating, you have to be very clear and very upfront because there are a lot of girls, and listen, I say it all the time on the show. I’m not going to, if you make the choice, just sleep with whoever you want, make the decision for you, like make sure you’re safe. But as long as no one’s forcing you into that situation, live your best life, sleep with everybody. It’s just not who I am anymore. It wasn’t really ever who I want to clarify like that. I’m not shaming anybody into that. But I feel like there is a lot of expectation of immediate satisfaction with you’re going to swipe, you’re going to find this person, you’re going to your knee, you’re going to get it down, get punky and goodbye.

Speaker 3:

And um, there’s, I was actually just reading this article, it was really interesting cause it was like right before you’re about to have sex with someone. They help you out of your clothes and you help each other out of their clothes and then afterwards you get yourself. Nobody’s helping you out. So once you’re going to help you, and so I think as long as you’re open with that person, I have been in a couple of recent relationships where I’ve, I mean honestly it’s not like I’m not a sexual person. I just want to make sure that there’s, there’s a base foundation of emotional and friendship there before it goes into that physical place. Not like I’m not down for it. I’m definitely down for it. But, and most guys, especially because of the age that we’re in now, most guys are pretty onboard for it. But honestly, I think guys, if a guy wants to be with you, he’ll be with you. If he knows he has to put some effort in than you will if he doesn’t want you, you know, you just can’t let your feelings get hurt about that. Everybody’s welcome.

Speaker 4:

Yeah. And so Chelsea and I, again, we’ve been friends for forever. So me, um, I’ve always been actively, I want to wait until I’m married to have sex. So that’s just been my stance for a while. So I am very upfront. When I first start dating people, I’d let them know, Hey, like I’m waiting until marriage to have sex because I don’t think it’s fair for them to not know that. And if someone requires that out of a relationship, they need to know that they’re not going to get that component from me unless we’re married. So for me, like it’s pretty easy now. Like, I’ve been at this for like decades, so it’s pretty easy for me. Um, not to have sex but don’t get it twisted. I get urges and all that stuff, but I just learned to like go for a walk or something like that. Cause I don’t like the word H. O. R. N. Y I say ancy

Speaker 2:

well, you know, I used to, um, I made a decision in my 27 that I wasn’t going to be sexual with a guy for three months and that if a guy couldn’t date me that long and a lot of guys couldn’t, then I would just let them pass by. And some guys really, I look at today, I think God, we would have had a great relationship but willing until I met my husband Mike, and he would more than willing, he didn’t, it was frustrating. We still held, we called, we slept in the same bed. Absolutely. You’ve got to have boundaries, right?

Speaker 3:

Yes. A hundred percent. And mind you, the physical attraction and the physical affection is very important in a relationship. But I just, yeah, I mean don’t you feel like when you finally did get around to it wasn’t it just the best?

Speaker 2:

It was so much better and I’ve trusted him more. Yeah. And it went much more organically and naturally than it would have the other way for me.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. Goals as a gay man, you’re not like, this isn’t really your thing. But like for women there is a real, um, get out of your head moment when you don’t trust somebody in a sexual situation and you can’t really enjoy it. And I tell 20 year old girls this a lot too, I’m like, man, sex is much better in your thirties. Again, it’s that self encouragement. I’m much more comfortable even though, man, I was like, I was skinny and hotter and all that stuff back then way hot now. But like I’m more comfortable with what I know I need and what I know is going to satisfy me and I’m not afraid to actually express that. Whereas in my twenties I’d be like, Oh, okay. Yeah, I know. It’s like good for you. Cause apparently that’s what I’m supposed to ask. And yeah, no, you’re, you’re good. And I’m not good, but that’s fine.

Speaker 4:

Yeah. For me, I can’t, clearly, I can’t speak to the physical component about it, but in terms of self confidence, like as like in my twenties like, you know, I didn’t know anything, so guys are telling me like, yeah, you’re supposed to touch me. It was just like, Oh, okay, as long as we’re not having sex, it’s okay. Like that’s just what I’m supposed to do. So I was just letting strangers mold me into what a physical experience should be, even if I was actively waiting until marriage. But now in my thirties I’m confident, I know what I want to do and what I don’t want to do. So the fact that I can walk in and just be like, you know what? I own this. I know who I am. Like I’m good. Don’t get it twisted. The day I get married on my wedding night, I’m probably going to freak out a little bit and call shells to be like, am I doing this? Like, is this happening? But at least I talked a good game up until that,

Speaker 2:

you know, you guys are making sense too because they’re starting to question whether in research in science, whether they should continue, um, interviewing college, uh, males and females because they’re not as evolved in age, in their early twenties as you are in your thirties. So when there’s sexual conversations or sexual studies, they’re starting to rethink or these are the people that we should be talking to because they’re not going to necessarily reflect, you know, the population, the rest of the population.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely. Especially, I mean, the average age of when people get married is, is later. And just people’s life expectancy is longer. I feel like that’s such a young viewpoint to base everybody’s opinion off of what would never pay taxes for 10 years. They don’t, doesn’t have it.

Speaker 4:

Wait, we’re supposed to pay taxes. What are those? Oh my God, don’t say that online. No, I’m kidding. I was being hypothetical as a 20, something that didn’t know about taxes because the parents take care of everything.

Speaker 2:

So you talked about relationship killers. What are things to do that would make, what’s the opposite of killer? You know, make it go make it a go.

Speaker 3:

I mean, I in my, in my perfect little picture ask in relationship, I need somebody who’s going to be fun with me. I’m playful. I want it to be a relationship that is not, that is serious in its status, but not serious in its emotional value. You know, I want it to be fun and I know that there’s going to be serious things that happen and all that. I just don’t want to feel like it’s a job. You know? I want to be able to find a partner that I can lean on and I am totally the person who, when Brittany Spears plays at the grocery store, I, I’m stancing, I want somebody who’s not going to roll their eyes and go to the next aisle. I want somebody who’s going to like shake it with me. You know,

Speaker 4:

until the person comes, we will go grocery shopping together. No, I completely agree. I’m not one of those people, like not that I’m against anyone that does this, but I’m not a person that has like a list of traits that people have to have. My must haves are they have to be someone like we shared the same faith, like love Jesus. Yes. And then they also have to have a great sense of humor. Like I like to laugh, joke, have fun. Just like Chelsea. Like also Kroger has like the best playlist cause they were playing Laboo shit. I’m like, Aw, clear the aisle way it’s going down.

Speaker 4:

But the fact that even if the person isn’t like going to dance with me, the fact they’ll be like, Oh you’re, she goes, that’s her thing. I love. So like, so just, you know, I need someone that shares faith, someone that can have fun. And like Chelsea was saying beforehand, like we have that friendships. That’s my go to person. And then something that I heard not too long ago. Again being just someone who um, believes in God and Jesus, someone was saying that one like scripture that you always hear at weddings, love is patient love is kind of that whole thing. They said you should put your man’s name in there and if it doesn’t fit those characteristics maybe double check if it’s love.

Speaker 2:

I like that. I also really like how comfortable you are in your own skin being single because most people who are single, particularly women, I would say my in my experience feel really bad about themselves. Like flawed. They stand out and our culture. What do you say to those women?

Speaker 4:

Oh girl, you’re going to be fine. It’s funny cause I was always going to lots of my friends like wedding showers and baby showers and every single time it said at the table and people would be like, well are you dating anyone or are you going to get married soon? I made you know how your eggs are right now and just keep feeding you all the time. So I made the decision to stop going to like baby showers and bridal showers. I’ll get them a gift like no matter what, but I just didn’t want to, I always was in a bad head space after that. So then I really had to take a step back cause they would always say, well you’ve seem really fun, really cool. What’s wrong with you? That’s right. They would always ask us. So then I’m taking a step back saying well what’s wrong with me? I thought it was fine but clearly I’m not fine because I’m not with anyone. But if if someone needs to know if I’m okay as to well they’re with someone so they’re okay like that’s, that’s not a good, it’s not a good diagnosis. Like I’m fine with me and as long as I’m fine with me everything’s going to be okay. So don’t worry like girls run this.

Speaker 3:

I think RuPaul says it best when every right at the end of drag race when he says, if you can’t love yourself, how the heck are you going to love anybody else? I think self esteem, especially in this like Instagram, everyone is so perfectly beautiful all the time world that we live in, the expectation, the self expectation that people put on themselves like, um, and you know, in general people do. I mean I would love somebody who’s like super Foxy looking. Like everybody has that. Like they want the step up thing, but like you, it starts with yourself. Like if I’m at some dudes, there’s like there’s a comedian, um, Eliza smashing her and she’s like, girls are weird. If they love that man, they’ll be like, Oh, he’s got this black ganglia tooth and I just lick it. I love it.

Speaker 4:

That is my dude. I’m a go hard for my dude. Don’t matter what. Yes.

Speaker 3:

Same thing for me. Exactly. We need to be able to go to bat for each other, but like it starts with yourself. You can’t, it’s not, it’s not my job to make someone else happy. Our happiness is together. We’re not like, I don’t want to be someone who completes me. I’m, I am complete. I want somebody who’s just walking on that same path as me.

Speaker 4:

I have to say to what you said about how people look so much better on social media. You take better pictures, better lighting. I think we’re seeing this now, we’re in quarantine and all these celebrities are important to you. Then now how really look

Speaker 3:

fine, but they don’t look like they look on TV and even as a psychologist I’m thinking, why can’t I look more like, I dunno Anderson Cooper or whoever, you know and, and then when they come out of the letter I’m like, I do kind of look like, you know, yes you are good looking, but it is a lot of pressure to have to look a certain way and you see these images and really even the camera angles and even all the lighting people use. It’s big. You know? It’s not how you look when you’re, when you’re in, when you’re outside of all that. Listen, I’m not even going to lie to you guys. I’m a maker. Part is, but the only reason I look like this right now, and I have a fake background and I really nice lighting and I’m the opposite because all of my calls for work, they all have to be video calls, like CMOs, whatever. So I’m like, you know what, I’m not putting in the effort. I’m not putting on makeup, but natural lighting does make me look amazing, but I have no makeup on because I’m like, listen, I woke up like this.

Speaker 3:

What would you say was, we’re getting closer to the end of the show and I might, I might make you lip sync for your life since you brought up RuPaul. So before we go, what would you like to add to for people to hear about your work? I mean, I think, I think something that’s rare about our podcast versus other dating podcasts is a lot of it is, you know, it’s very, very appreciate and it’s like, you know, this is why you’re single and this is what’s going on with you. And we really were just like, no, no, no, this is what happened. This is why I’m still single. And it’s not a negative thing. It’s not, these are the reasons why I’m single who are me, it’s, these are the reasons why I’m still single because I have this standard of care for myself and I haven’t, it hasn’t been matched yet. And I think that a lot of people, especially high school girls and, and in college who are really focused on you guys, have you guys think they have a lot of power in high school, in college because girls don’t really have that self esteem yet. And I really just want them to hear that. Like, listen, if he likes you, he’s going to stick around. You do not have to sleep with him.

Speaker 3:

No, you let him see the great person that you are and exactly who you’ve always meant to be. And I think we do that with humor. Um, one of our very first episodes, a guy was very, very, he showed up to a bond date. His pictures were very old. He was a very large man and he ordered on a lot of food on my date. And I was like, we went to a movie, he ordered everything. And I read it and I was like, Oh gosh, okay. And then he goes, well, what do you want? And I was like, I’ll just have some of your preference. He ordered me a separate awkward and he’s like, I’ve never felt on the flip side of it, the deeper part

Speaker 4:

of it was like how little he cares for himself in this moment that he’s showing pictures from two years before and that he, you know, and so it was like, you know, it’s, it’s this very funny story that actually has a moment, like a moment of truth and honesty and that then it’s like own who you are in this moment. The right person will love you for exactly who you are. Um, that it’s, this is a fun time. I was talking about this the other day, was that like once like you’re single, I’m single right now. It’s like once I get married, I will never be just single again. Like either I will be like, God willing, I will not be divorced, but like widowed or something like that, you’re never gonna have this season anymore. And this single season, especially like in my early thirties I’ve been like the best of my life.

Speaker 4:

Like I can do whatever I want. Like I focused on me, whether it’s like, you know, self care mentally, like finances, all that other stuff like this. I feel like I’m in my prime right now. So if you went to Paris and then Chelsea went to Ireland, like we like we were just able to just drop our stuff and just go and not that there’s like something that we may not be able to do anymore. I mean we will do that once we’re married and do that with our partner, but the fact that we can do fun, spontaneous things and there’s nothing really holding us back to do that. It’s just such a fun season and people should really take advantage of having this time because it’s just, it’s such a precious time. So just enjoy it, just enjoy it and have fun. I’ve never laughed so much. I think that’s why my skin looks so much better. I love so positive. I really want people to listen to your podcast. So how can they find it? We are available everywhere you listen to podcasts. We would love a rating on iTunes because that’s the one that like everybody kinda goes for. But um, we’re available on all of them. Spotify and Oh God, there’s another one. I can’t think of the name. Anyway, we also post on Facebook were reasons why I’m single or Instagram and Twitter. We are at our WIS podcast. Yay.

Speaker 3:

Thank you so much to both of you. I really appreciate both of you, Stacy and Chelsea being my guests and um, I want to thank everyone for listening and I want you to, don’t forget to follow me on Instagram and Twitter myself at dr Joe court and please rate, review and subscribe to my podcast. Until next week. Goodbye everybody and goodbye, Chelsea and Stacy, thank you so much.

Speaker 4:

Thank you. Bye bye.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for listening to this episode of smart sex, smart love. I’m dr Joe court and you can find me on Joe kort.com that’s J O E K O R t.com. See you next time.

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