Amber Boone on Dating Rules for Realists, Not Romantics – Smart Sex, Smart Love

  • Description
  • Episode Transcript

This week, Joe’s guest is host of the ‘Thirty, Flirty and Thriving’ PodcastAmber Boone.

Last year, Amber, along with her business partner, hosted the first ever ‘9 to Thrive’ women’s empowerment conference in downtown Detroit. She is a frequent speaker at industry events and has a lot to say on the use of social media, especially dating apps and what real romance is like today. “Instead of looking to find the right partner, become the right partner yourself!” says Amber. “Your self-care comes first.”

Amber spills the beans about modern dating expectations and how to navigate them. Plus, we chat about the differences between dating in your 20s versus your 30s. Amber’s top dating tip? “Have a wise counsel around you – it really, really helps!”

Find Amber Boone at:
Website | Podcast | Facebook

Speaker 1:

Welcome to smart sex, smart love. We’re talking about sex goes beyond the taboos and talking about love goes beyond the honeymoon. I’m dr Joe court. Thanks for tuning in.

Speaker 2:

Hello and welcome back to smart sex smart love. Thank you all for tuning in each week and if you’re new to my podcast. Hello and welcome this week my guest is host of the 30 flirty and thriving podcast, Amber boon, and we’re going to chat about dating rules for realists, not romantics. Amber is a graduate of central Michigan university and she has spent, spent the last seven years helping grow the social media presence of many companies like the American heart association, mid Michigan and quick loans careers. Last year, Amber along with her business partner, hosted the first ever nine to thrive women’s empowerment conference in downtown Detroit. She’s a frequent speaker at industry events and has a lot to say on the use of social media, especially dating apps and what real world is like today. I’m asking Amber to spill the beans about modern dating expectations and I’m sure her advice won’t disappoint. Welcome Amber.

Speaker 3:

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I’m so glad you’re here and so glad to talk about these things. The first thing I guess I want to say if we could talk about a minute is that I’m still shocked that young people, and I’m talking like 18 year olds, maybe even 16 year olds feel embarrassed and shamed about meeting people on social media. I know the parents are still doing it like my age or maybe younger are shaming them like what are you doing on social media? You were on bumblebee or grinder or whatever you were on and I can’t believe that even the young people though, I would think by now they would be like, it’s no big deal. What do you say to that?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I think, I mean there’s always going to be some sort of stigma like, Oh, you can’t meet someone in real life or you don’t have any gang. Like you don’t know how to approach a person. I think there’s always going to be that stigma, particularly for younger people because there’s so many ways for you to meet people in real life. Why would you need to use social or dating app?

Speaker 2:

I guess it just shocked me cause I’m thinking that that would have been true in my generation, but this new generation, so much is online. I just feel like I can’t believe it, but I, I hear it and I hear it every day in my office that they even say, you know, I shouldn’t tell people this, but I met around on bumblebee. Like what’s wrong with that?

Speaker 3:

You know, I think too that it’s not so much that people are concerned or you know, feel any type of way about meeting someone on social media. I think it’s more of the dating app thing. Like no one wants to admit that they were seeking love or they on an app. Social media can kind of happen because it’s a social platform. You can get to know people talk. Maybe you build some sort of connection or you know, really like what the person is posting and you finally start from, it kind of happens organically. If you’re in an app that means you’ve made a conscious decision. I want to date, I want sex, I want love, and I’m going to go on to that. It,

Speaker 2:

I really appreciate this distinction because I always think of social media being the apps, but they’re not right. They’re separate.

Speaker 3:

No, that’s separate.

Speaker 2:

Got it. All right. So then why though, what’s wrong? Why, what is the stigma about going on an app? Why is there a stigma to that?

Speaker 3:

No, especially these days. Nobody wants to admit that they’re looking for love. Everybody wants to be really cool and keep their options open and feel like they don’t need a person. And so again, it’s that admitted thing like I am on this app because I want something.

Speaker 2:

Wow. Okay. Cause I know this is also true in the gay male community and it was before the apps it was instill is a bath houses. So bath houses are places gay guys go. Actually any man could go. They, um, uh, are they undressed? They wear a towel around and they hook up, you know, and some people meet partners that way and date, but they never admit that it’s like a total stigma in the gay male community. Even in 2020, you can’t say, I met my partner at a bath house.

Speaker 3:

I’ve never even heard of a bath house.

Speaker 2:

Well actually they have a straight one here in Detroit. It’s called the Schmitz where it’s a night where everybody on dresses walks around and tells and it’s coed. Um, and yeah, so, but we have always had them since the seventies, I think. I don’t know when they first began, but began, but it seems the same way. Like there’s, it’s almost like erotiphobia like if I’m looking for sex or looking for love and I find both that, I can’t admit that to people. Like people have like a disgust response somehow.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. I think it’s just really, it’s just a stupid stigma. It’s just, you know, everyone is looking for all the time whether they admit it or not. But to be like I had to go to a bath house or I had to download an app to find it, I think it just, it’s almost a blow to their ego. Like to think that you aren’t capable of just getting that organically. I think people want to be proud of the fact that they organically right. Able to get those, you know, whether it’s sex or love or what have you,

Speaker 2:

even if it’s on social media.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. So it’s social media too. I don’t think there’s as much of a stigma. I see a lot of posts about people, particularly these days where, you know, they make jokes about, a lot of women get a lot of men in their DMS and, and a lot of times they go on answered because there’s so much. And so they’re, you know, women who found their husbands or the boyfriends on social media will make posts. Like, you know, maybe you should answer that DM cause me and my boyfriend had met on Facebook, we’ve been married seven years or whatever it may be. I think it’s a little different.

Speaker 2:

And what is social media like for listeners who aren’t savvy to it? What are we talking about?

Speaker 3:

Social media. So we’re talking about the platforms you use to, to, to share content on. So Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, tic TAC. Um, YouTube is considered social media, but essentially anything where you use to consume information from, you know, friends and things like that. And anything that you use to post content, posts, information or ideas with others, um, you’re on there for social purposes, not necessarily for needing purposes. Although Facebook does have a dating component now, I don’t know of anyone who actually uses it, but they both have that component now.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. And I only know this a little bit because, um, and this is kind of flattering to me. Um, I get guys that, so I’m gay and I get a lot of guys that will, uh, DME or um, actually friend me and then start talking to me, Oh, you’re really handsome. Oh, I’d like to go out with you. Even though I’m partnered. And you know, they don’t know all that. They just see out my, my foot, my face and everything. But I could see that if I were single on some of these guys are super handsome and they seem super friendly and nice, that would be a great way to start a relationship. And that’s okay. Right? People are okay with that.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. People are okay with that and it definitely happens. Um, and I think because I think it’s just an easy way, like so many people are online, so many people are sharing the idea that you can get a glimpse of a person’s personality through their or whatever they want you to see right through their social media profile. So I think it’s a good opportunity for you to look beyond the look. You know, most dating apps these days are swiping. You’re first, you just get an image of a person and you decide right there that split second based on the image. Do I want to know more about them or not? I mean most people don’t even read the bio. They just fight flight, flight, flight, flight. And then they say, I want a chapter. Then they read the bio. Maybe then they initiate that conversation.

Speaker 2:

What do you think about that? Do you have judgment or thoughts about that?

Speaker 3:

No. So I have used dating apps in the past. Initially I had downloaded, after my divorce, I downloaded plenty of fish as kind of like an experiment just to see what it was like and to learn more about the whole experience and process. And it was a little bit overwhelming for a woman. I don’t want to say just for a woman, but I feel like I hear these stories more from women of uh, men are very aggressive on there. Um, and it can be an overwhelming experience. Like you go on there to potentially meet someone and your inbox is flooded. You, you don’t know how to weed out the good from the bad. And I think when it comes to actually choosing who you speak with on there swiping, it just depends on the person. For someone like me, I, I’m not a big looks, um, obviously have to be attracted to you, but for me attraction comes more from just your aesthetic.

Speaker 3:

So it comes from like your whole vibe, how you’re standing, how you’re moving, your mannerisms, your personality, all of that. And so I find it a dating app very hard because I can’t just like let or, right. Because I have no idea. I can’t get your ride from your picture. For the most part, I don’t have any judgments. I think that for some people, I’ve had people on 30 study and driving who have actually met their spouses on dating apps. So I had a girl, one of my very first podcast she met, I think that attender. She met her husband, she was just looking for a flame. She was like, she had it. She was a mom of a small child. She didn’t have a lot of time. So the guy just needed a couple of hours. But a couple of times a week to do what I gotta do. And that’s it. So when they first wiped and they first met, that was what they did is they were just hooking up, but it turns into marriage.

Speaker 2:

Awesome. That’s awesome. But I have heard what you said. I want to confirm that for my female clients, they get on these dating apps, the males are very aggressive and then it does become overwhelming and hard to sort through. I get it.

Speaker 3:

Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

I think people are Lee. And tell me if I’m wrong and maybe it’s happening more now that we’re in quarantine, but I have heard more coaching of people to use the webcam. Some of these apps have webcams so you can actually see each other movie or film yourself and say, Hey, I’m Joe chord and I want to tell you about myself a little bit. What do you think of that?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I think the video component is great. I believe, I want to say hinge has a video component to it. I don’t think Bumble does yet. Um, but Bumble is one of the most popular dating apps. Um, and I think that video component is really important for people. Like I said, like me who I can’t just go based off of the picture. I have to see how you move, how you look, your manually from your voice. Oh my gosh. So funny story. I actually met someone off the dating app. Like when I first thought it, I was just satisfying it outside of the cubicle. Um, and I met my dating app. We had great conversation through the messaging, you know, going to picture. He was extremely attractive. And I don’t know why we just, I mean I was a new leaf. I know what I was doing, but I had talked to him on the phone or anything. So when we met, we scheduled to meet up. There was a miscommunication and where we were supposed to meet, so I had to call him. And when he answered the phone, his voice was such a turnoff.

Speaker 3:

I just couldn’t get past it. So then I’m like, this doesn’t need, this can’t even be the same person. There’s no way that, no way for me to have like that him. But the whole time I was like, not only was his voice way off, but man, his intelligence was just not there. It was very hard dinner to get through school.

Speaker 2:

That’s like a Seinfeld episode. That’s super funny.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. So my tip is to always make sure you have some sort of phone or video communication with them before you meet them.

Speaker 2:

I think that makes so much sense and I’m hoping that with the positive side of this whole quarantine is that people are forced to do that. Right. And they’re going to have to be slower. You can’t just rush in to meet people. Right.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I would think. I would hope so. I hope they’re all safely, safely invading. Um, during the foreign scene, I, I was kind of like, when I was trying it out, um, I was really anti like, let’s just meet for coffee real quick. I just want to get it over with. Like, cause if I don’t want to keep talking to you, if this works, this the juice isn’t worth the squeeze kind of thing. So I would want them people. That’s initially, that’s why I’m meeting the person. I hadn’t even talked to him on the phone or anything. Um, but I definitely think there’s value in getting know person over messaging and phone calls and things like that. What I learned from my brief experience on the apps was just that what you saved you’re getting into versus you know, on these messages and what the person actually is can be so different. I’d rather just meet you and get it over with.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. Um, what would you say, um, Amber are like what does social media relationship killer you talk about that sometimes.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, social media itself. I think it’s an interesting conversation to have and I, there’s so many people that feel like social media is a relationship killer because you know, we have so many attractive options at our disposal. So for a lot of people seeing their partner, liking other people’s pictures or commenting, uh, compliments or emojis and things like that can put a wrench in the relationship. Um, and if you feel like your partner is giving special attention or similar attention to what they give you to another person there, it brings some insecurity into the relationship. Even for the most secure individuals. I think, um, a lot of people feel that it’s okay to continue conversations that I think would have been considered inappropriate 10 20, 30 years ago. Carry on these conversations with people and their direct messages on Facebook and Instagram and things like that, even though they have a committed partner. And because of that, I think a lot of people, you know, there’s a stigma that Facebook or social media can kill relationships. I definitely think that it, I definitely think that it adds some, a little bit different dynamic to relationships and how to communicate and how to build trust and insecurity through this digital age.

Speaker 2:

Okay. That makes sense. And I guess I was thinking too, what, what would someone do that would kill the opportunity for relationship on social media? Like what are some things to avoid doing?

Speaker 3:

Oh my goodness. Well you got to think there’s so many things you can do. Honestly being overly political, that’s a touchy subject. Anything that’s controversial is going to be touchy on social media. I think about it like social media. It could ruin potential dating or partnerships that can ruin job opportunities. It can run on college. Application is social media can ruin a laugh for you based on what you post. If you are, um, if you’ve got pictures with a bunch of different men or a bunch of different women all the time that that might be toward someone who maybe was interested in you thinking like, Oh, they’re a player so I’m not going to even deal with them. Or if they’re overly political and maybe you guys have different political views, that could be a killer before the relationship even starts. Um, and posting, posting anything derogatory.

Speaker 3:

There have been people that I followed on social, I have a large social network following friends, things like that. There’s been people that I, I liked their content. I like when they pull up everything and then they’ll throw me for a loop with like something really misogynistic or really degrading and I’m just like, unfollow. So th those things, sometimes we use social media as our personal diary, so if we’re feeling something really intensely, we go to Facebook convinced or we go to Instagram and or Snapchat or whatever your social media, Twitter, social media, perfect of choices. Um, in those moments, I think those are private moments that don’t necessarily need to be shared with people who don’t know you, who don’t understand the context, who don’t understand that kind of maybe how you work and can make judgements based on that and that could cost you a potential relationship or job or whatever.

Speaker 2:

I’ve had some clients who are turned off by seeing in social media or even on dating apps. A guy’s holding up dead animals that they killed, um, is there.

Speaker 3:

But that’s somebody that if you met in real life and you had maybe a first date with and they were like, Oh yeah, you know, I have that. Then if you’re that, if you don’t like that, you’re going to probably be turned off during that conversation. However, the benefit of having that conversation is that you get to learn so many other things about them that might kind of balanced that out to where you’re like, well, maybe we could figure this out. You know, like maybe it’s not that bad. They have a reason why they have or whatever the case may be. But if you’re just seeing a picture of someone holding up a dead animal and you have no context behind it, or you don’t know this person’s personality backstory, anything, it could be a complete,

Speaker 2:

I love this because you say dating is about getting to know someone outside your smartphone screen. Focus less, less on whether this person is your next great love and more on simply acquainting yourself with them as a person. I love that because the only way, go ahead.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

No, I mean, I think that that’s what it boils down to. I, I, I don’t love hate relationship with the digital age. Like obviously I’ve been working in social media for a long time. I understand the benefits of it and the value of it. Um, but at the same time as, as a person, I value deeper connection. So for me, the digital age, the surface myth of social, of dating apps is really hard for me to be a WIC cause, um, I don’t, I don’t think you can really get to know a person based on a couple of pictures or based on some messaging back and forth. They’re based on the content they put out. I do social media for a living, so I know that everything I post and put out is strategic. There’s a reason behind it. So people think that they know me.

Speaker 2:

They have no idea. Like I strategically put this content out and you might like it. That’s great. That’s the plan. That’s how I do it. But that doesn’t mean that you can accurately assess me as a human being. Yeah, that makes total sense. Um, all right. What else I want to ask you? So let’s say, okay, so you met that guy and he didn’t like his voice and it was, didn’t like his intelligence level and it was a painful dinner. I mean, I don’t know why, by the way. I don’t know why they don’t make coffee table books or just maybe they do have podcasts where just bad dating stories. I think they’re totally funny. I have so many on my twenties I can tell you so many bad dating stories, but like, so let’s say it happens and you want to end a tactfully and you want to say, you know, this isn’t good, this isn’t going to go. I’m not into you. Like how do you do that these days?

Speaker 3:

Um, you know, I don’t, I don’t, I haven’t, I think that unless it’s endless, they are just incredibly rude or something that you just cannot get over. I always love to see what I can learn from a person, so I try to stick it out. If we committed to dinner, then it’s like, okay, let’s get through the dinner and then when dinner is over, rather than saying like, Hey, I’ll call you later, or, you know, do you want to go do something else? It’s just kind of like, Oh, that was fun. It was so good to meet you. Thank you. And that’s it. Like just tactfully. Thank you for what we had. It was great.

Speaker 2:

Now let’s say they don’t get the hand and they call you back several times, then how do you tactfully say I’m not interested?

Speaker 3:

So my thing is like, and I’m heading to this where I’m just like, I think you were, I mean I’ll just tell him the truth, but ultimately the closing statement is, I don’t think there’s like a love connection. I would love to be your friend if I, if I do think they’re cool as a friend, I’ll let the dear friend we can talk some time and maybe I can help you get a date or whatever, but this isn’t a love connection. Um, and I hadn’t, I have no problem saying that. I just think that if we met on a dating app, especially like, we know what we were there for this Amy, so thank you. Got it. I think a lot of people find it so much easier to just go see, and it’s so frustrating. I hear so many people talking about, you know, being ghosted and how this person just stopped responding to them. It’s easy to do though. I know it’s a really easy to do, especially because the communication is so informal and so inconsistent. Um, there have been people maybe that I met on a dating app, you know, two years ago or three years ago when I, when I was trying it out, that will just pop up out of nowhere and mess with eyeballs or like a WIP. And I’m like, what? Probably talking to you in two years. What do you mean eyeballs? What does that even mean?

Speaker 2:

Yes. Right, right. I totally get it. One time I said to a friend of mine, uh, why don’t you just say to the girl, to the woman that you’re dating, she was just not into it. He’s like, so, you know, I really liked you. I don’t feel the chemistry and I wish you luck on your search. And I thought that was very nice and neutral and pleasant. And she was like, she wrote spotted my good luck on my search. You ass on. She went crazy. So then he said that was bad advice, but I don’t think it was bad advice. I don’t think you can anticipate how someone’s reaction is going to be. Daniel.

Speaker 3:

No, I mean you can try to gauge them, but you’re, and you’re not responsible for someone else’s reaction either. I think like, but ultimately I would avoid saying I’m just not in that in for you. You don’t want to make it about them. Cause that can be hurtful and people can take that offensively. And that’s why my thing and existed this, there’s just not a love connection. It’s not true. It’s not me. It’s just that thing that needs to be here. Is that here mentally, no one has to take the blank. I haven’t had anyone freaked out on me over that. So, so far, so good.

Speaker 2:

I love it. And then in these days, can you tell me who pays?

Speaker 3:

Yeah. So I think, I don’t mind paying, um, for date I, but if a man off, you know, off of that, I’m not paying for anything because I think a mess, and particularly in Detroit, there’s this, there’s a stereotype or this stigma or there’s this conception that women are kind of Golddiggers and be sure, and I just really want men to pay for their meals. They want men to pay for this paper that that is the feedback gotten from people on the podcast on dating. I was just like, Oh yeah, like women always want you to pay for everything. So for me, that’s never been the, I don’t mind paying for a date, first date, second date, whatever. But as a man off off the bat says, I’m not paying for anything. Or like, you’re not gonna be forever. That’s a turn off. Don’t come off with your preconceived notions about women paying for seven. All of that is say it like that, you know, you really don’t want to pay for it. Then I think that’s the conversation. Like, um, maybe we should meet up for coffee. Just, that’s what they call double that or when you each pay for your own, I forgot what it is.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. Say something like that. But just to say I’m not paying for it. It’s a complete turn off. Even if you were a great guy, great tech, great whatever that is going to turn me out and I’m not getting my golf. He’s not because I don’t because I’m not paying for it. I was totally paid for it. But your attitude,

Speaker 2:

I totally agree. What would you say as we’re coming to an end that you, I didn’t ask you about that you want to make sure listeners know about your work.

Speaker 3:

So just to give everyone a little bit of background of, of 30 budding, it’s in the podcast, the brand 30, 30, and thriving, um, kind of derived out of me getting divorced for a second time. Um, and tapping into that adult womanhood and feeling the feeling okay to be sexy, feeling okay to be powerful, feeling okay to be sexy and powerful at the same time and really just thriving personally and professionally. So the podcast, I invite people on and provide a platform for people to talk about their actual new Orleans Devers. I work a lot with musicians and giving them an opportunity to showcase their talent and their music. Um, I actually just started managing a Michigan based artists at mean I NYP last October. Um, and um, hugely, hugely fascinated with music. So that’s a big part of the podcast and essentially just giving hope for those two who don’t necessarily like the mundane waking up, going to work, coming home, doing dinner, going to sleep, repeating the next day, but people who really want to get the most out of life.

Speaker 3:

So that’s what the podcast is all about. Um, I’ve had kind of a crazy, I’ve been married almost half my life and I’ve been in dating the last couple of years. Um, but where most people get that experience in their like early twenties. I didn’t get into my thirties and there was so much for me to learn and so I would just soak everything up and that’s why I said like, I love having conversations on the podcast. You can go out and date. I get to learn all of these new stuff that I should’ve learned, you know, 10 15 years ago. Um, yeah, so that’s simply what 30, 35 is all about.

Speaker 2:

All right. And where can they find you?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, so you can find me everywhere. 30 30 and five and if you look it up, uh, I’m on all the podcasts streaming for like Google play and Apple podcast and Spotify and SoundCloud and all of that at a website, the best amber.com. Also on social media. You can find the Amber Boone or the best Amber P, H E that’s Amber on ticktack and Instagram and Facebook and everything.

Speaker 2:

Thank you so much Amber. This has been so enlightening. I really appreciate it and I want to also thank everyone who’s been listening and to not forget to follow me on Instagram and Twitter at dr Joe court. And please rate, review and subscribe to my podcast. Until next week. Bye everyone. And thank you Amber.

Speaker 3:

Thank you.

Speaker 1:

Alright, take care. Bye. Thanks for listening to this episode of smart sex smart love. I’m dr Joe court and you can find me on Joe kort.com that’s J O E K O R t.com. See you next time.

© 2019 • Smart Sex, Smart Love Podcast Series