Mistress Lexi on What It’s REALLY like to be a Female Domme – Smart Sex, Smart Love

  • Description
  • Episode Transcript

On this episode, Joe’s guest is Mistress Lexi – a popular domme in the adult fetish scene right now. Joe and Lexi go right under the covers of her world, talking about the nitty gritty of working in the online kink industry. They chat about  Sissification, Cock & Ball Torture, Findom, Hypnosis, and Chastity. Plus, how exactly did Lexi, known as, ‘Domme of the Dead’, become involved in this scene, and what drives her customers to hand over their cash to dommes?

“People come to me online because they need an outlet,” says Lexi. “They don’t have their needs covered in their vanilla life. You can’t walk around in society seeking extreme domination – you need a safe community to go play. That’s what I and others like me provide. A safe outlet for kinks.”

Connect with Mistress Lexi:
Twitter

Speaker 1:

[inaudible].

Speaker 2:

Welcome to smart sex, smart love. We’re talking about sex goes beyond the taboos and talking about love goes beyond the honeymoon. I’m dr Joe court. Thanks for tuning in.

Speaker 1:

[inaudible]

Speaker 2:

hello everyone and welcome to my new listeners and hello again to my regulars. I’m so pleased you’re back to join me on smart sex smart love. This week I’m asking about what working in the female pro Dom scene is really like. On this episode my guest is mistress Lexi, a popular Dom in the adult fetish scene. Right now we’re going right under the covers of her world. Talking about the nitty gritty of working in the online kink industry. We’ll chat about [inaudible] tack and ball torture, fin, dumb hypnosis and chastity plus. How exactly did Lexi known as Dom of the dead? I love that. I’m going to say it again. Dom of the dead became involved in this scene and what she’d like. Other potential submissives to know before getting involved in online fin. Dumb welcome, mistress Lexi.

Speaker 3:

Hi.

Speaker 2:

So happy to have you on here and we’ve, there’s lots of terms on here that people aren’t going to understand that I’m hoping you’ll flesh out for us. Um, but actually what I’d like to start with is could you maybe start with telling us what’s the difference between fem Dom, F E M D O M and fin Dom, F. I. N. D. O. M?

Speaker 3:

Well, um, okay, so they’re both obviously a form of domination, you know, and the difference is with fandom, which a lot of people really get confused about it because they think if they pay for sessions, they’re doing fandom. That’s not the case. Um, fend, um, is when you’re giving money and that’s the fetish you’re, you’re giving the money without expecting anything from the Dom. Um, they, they manage your finances. They tell you, okay, well this is what you spend on this, this is what you spend on this. And the rest goes to me. And that’s how it goes. They control your finances. Um, I’ve had many situations where I’ve been asked for a session and online session and I go, okay, well you have to pay this much for it. And they go, Oh, I’m not fin them. I’m not independent. Well, that’s not been them. That’s being a pro dumb that is, I’m charging for sessions and doing things, um, catering to your fetishes and that’s, that’s femdom so, um, it’s, it’s a, there’s like, it’s like a fine line because you know, it’s still like you’re still a female and you’re still dominating, but like one is completely about dominating your finances. And the other one is, you know, you’re dominating and you’re catering to fetishes.

Speaker 2:

I really appreciate it. Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 3:

No, that’s just something that I, I think it’s really important to be able to, um, to differentiate between the two because, um, most, most people don’t understand.

Speaker 2:

I didn’t, yeah, I didn’t understand that at all. I’m so glad you clarified between the two. And you know, the reason I also, I wanted to have male and female, um, perspectives on this. So I F I had, um, a fin dumb master Judas on here a while back and when he was on, he’s, uh, identifies himself as a heterosexual white, um, cisgender male. And after the podcast went out, I got all kinds of emails and texts saying, Oh, right, all we need in the world is another ma, a white, a male Dom, um, who wants to, you know, humiliate and dominate women and gay men. And I was like, you are not understanding that women, first of all, predominantly, and tell me if I’m wrong. Women were originally in, in doing this and then men, men came along after, right?

Speaker 3:

Well, I mean from, yeah, I mean that’s why it’s like there’s femdom and yeah, it’s a majority women. It’s actually, there’s not a whole lot of men that do it. And um, there are men that prefer men over women that aren’t gay. There are very many straight men that like to be dominated by men. I actually, um, took on a submissive about a week ago or a week or two ago, and he actually told me his previous master was a male and he has a girlfriend. He’s not, he’s not into men in that way. He just, it’s the, I think in some senses men can be a little more, um, maybe it’s the sternness or anything like that. It’s, I mean, obviously there’s a difference and when it’s a man dominating you than a woman, um, both are powerful. You know, I think, I think we both equally are capable of being, um, able to dominate properly. And I just, I think it’s a preference for men or some men, you know, um, some like some preferred not to have a white female or a white male. I mean, some of them have their preference on, um, having like an Ebony Dom. Like they, they don’t always want the tip. Like the white female.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 3:

There’s, there’s, it’s all about preference. It’s all about what they want. Um, and I, there’s a lot of doms like female dorms out there that don’t believe that males should be dumbed either, which I don’t agree with at all. I think, um, I think that’s, it’s pathetic to sit there and say that men cannot do that just because you dominate men. But we dominate women too. There are, there are females up.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. I think people, yeah, I think people get confused. They get confused between roleplay. I’m consenting to engage in something that I want to do over. This is happening to me and I don’t want this and I have to live with this because I could lose my job or my marriage or whatever. People get confused.

Speaker 3:

Right. And there are people in the industry that really aren’t good either. That’s another reason why like, uh, subs need to be careful on who they engage with because there are some people that will use what they can against the person to keep them around. And I mean, that’s in general a life thing. It has nothing to do with, um, just being in the community and it being bad. There are bad people everywhere. Uh, but like you do, people need to understand that these people come to us because they need an outlet. They don’t have that in their vanilla life where everything, you know, they’re, they go to work, they have a family to take care of a, do whatever their daily things are, but then there’s something missing for them. And a lot of times it’s helpful when they reach out to a Dom because nobody else can understand them.

Speaker 2:

Let’s, let’s, can we unpack this, cause some people are listening, I’m sure, and they’re going, wait, wait, wait. What are we talking about Dom? Um, you know, money. I’m controlling. Can you just say what, what’s like a typical arrangement that somebody would contact you and want financial domination with you? What would happen?

Speaker 3:

Okay. Um, so if somebody was to contact me and talk to me about wanting to be a fence up, a financial sub, um, then we would go over their finances, what they would want to give me. Um, a lot of times it’s like, well, make sure you pay for these bills. You know, which ones are important. Get all of your necessities taken care of and then we go over, you know, what is a weekly amount you would want to give me? And that’s something that I, I would, I would take control of all of that. I’d be like, okay, well you’re doing this, you’re doing this. And then the rest goes to me. This is how much money goes to me every week. If this is not something they like, if, if they can’t, if they don’t do it, then you know, that’s not obeying. You know, I, I control that. I tell them this is what they give me. You don’t give this to me. And, and you know, depending on what other kinks there are, there’s like, I mean, there’s punishment or play, if that makes sense.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 3:

Um, and it’s, it’s all about the kink. You know, like personally when I, when I, um, if I’m going to

Speaker 3:

punish a stub or if they’re going to deal with consequences from not obeying or doing something like they’re supposed to do, I’m not going to give into one of their kinks cause that’s rewarding. Um, that’s one thing that people don’t understand. Like if somebody has a kink at, you know, talk ball, torture, justification, whatever their playtime would be, including one of those things, like if you want to reward one of your steps, you pick one of their things like one of their Kingston and go with that, you know? And it gives them that chance to, you know, kind of let loose and do something that they don’t get to do normally. And some people just like to give money, you know? And I could just be like, well, you’re not going to do this with me if you’re not going to follow through and do what you’re supposed to do. And then they lose that.

Speaker 2:

Right. It’s erotic for them.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. Like their King is here, I’m going to give you this money and it’s just hot. Like it turns me on to give you my money. It turns me on for you to tell me to give this to you.

Speaker 2:

But that’s a lot, isn’t that a lot of it, isn’t it a lot of responsibility for you, isn’t it? Like, so if you have multiple sobs, fin subs, your country, you’re like dealing with a lot of people’s money. How do you, um, keep all that in order?

Speaker 3:

Um, I have my ways of keeping track of them. Like I have my own little, like, it’s kind of funny cause I, I actually like organize it all.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 3:

Almost like almost like an organizer, but like on my phone, like track of things, like I put things in and like I remember because I’m able to go back and look and be like, okay, well this and this and this is what I’m dealing with right now. Or like I have this guy, this guy, this guy, and he’s going to give me this much. He has this stuff to take care of first, you know? And, yeah. But another thing is we can’t bite off more than you can chew.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. Right. Um, and can you, Oh, go ahead.

Speaker 3:

Like I, I can’t, like if you’re, if you’re a dumb and you’re, especially if you’re just, if you’re dealing with a lot of subs, you know, you can’t, you can’t take on too many, you know? Um, and it is like, it is a big responsibility because you have all these people that are, um, they give you that control. They’re giving you, they’re giving into you and trusting you with them.

Speaker 2:

So what does, yeah. So let’s talk about different fetishes that people sign up to want with you. You call, you talk about, so that’s being a sissy, right? Is that what that means? Yes. Yeah. Can you explain it?

Speaker 3:

This is, yes, this is typically, um, they like to wear panties, you know, dress up and lend lingerie and makes them feel sexy. But like they’re not gay.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 3:

But they like to wear those, those things.

Speaker 2:

Is it the humiliation?

Speaker 3:

Yes, it is. It is all about the humiliation, humiliation behind it. I’m wearing the panties and going to work with them under their clothes or wearing lingerie under their clothes. And the thought that, Oh my gosh, what if I bent over and my panties pop out of my pants? You know? And somebody sees and they’re like, Oh my gosh. Like, it’s kind of like a, like, it just, it’s a rush for them.

Speaker 2:

[inaudible] and you order them. Yep. You’re ordering them to do this, right?

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes. You tell them like, yeah, I want you to, like, you give them tasks. You, you tell them, yeah, you should, you know, wear these to work. Or, you know, I had a guy wear stockings under his clothes too, or stockings and panties under his clothes to college. You know, he’s never done it before, so it’s something like he was willing to try, which is another thing, like limits we can always discuss, but, um, it’s something he was willing to try. You know, you tell them, you know, yeah, they want to do it. And it’s like, Oh my gosh, but what if someone sees, you know, like, it’s just something that is hot to them. You know, the thought about it, it, it turns them on, it excites them and they really enjoy it and they really enjoy the humiliation.

Speaker 2:

So talk about, um, and talkin ball torture when it’s normally written out. It’s CB or an acronym CBT. Uh, you know, uh, you may not know this, but as a therapist, CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy. So I always joke with therapists, you know, we’re not talking about cock and ball torture. They’re like, Oh my God, what the hell is Cochon ball torture? Could you tell the people what that is?

Speaker 3:

Okay. So Cochon ball torture, it’s, you know, there’s different things that you can do, ball busting. Um, I have people who like to, you know, cause themselves to lose circulation by adding multiple rubber bands around their balls. Or I’ve had a guy putting needles in his [inaudible].

Speaker 2:

Yes, I’ve had people. Yeah, no, I know clients talk to me about having a needle through their testicle, but there has to be done by somebody really who knows what they’re doing. Oh my God,

Speaker 3:

yes. Yes. This is something like you can, especially with online, it’s hard because like, you want to tell them to do these things, but you don’t want to tell them to do these things if they don’t know how to do

Speaker 2:

right.

Speaker 3:

Like, and if you want to, and if you’re doing it yourself, you need to make sure you’re safe doing it. Um, I do a lot of the like rubber bands or shoelace around it. Um, and I, you know, I ask them how they’re doing. I asked them like how they feel sometimes adding weights to it, you know, um, I’ve also done clothes pins on this shaft, but it’s like you have to constantly make sure that they’re okay. You know, you can’t just like tell them to do it and laugh it because it’s so funny to watch them in pain. You know, like you, you, you want to make sure they’re okay and doing it safely.

Speaker 2:

And I know they enjoy it. People are probably listening to this and um, and saying how can they enjoy it? But I went to a BDSM conference and they had a dungeon that you could go into, you could watch, you could play whatever you wanted to do. And there was a guy not only seen this in videos and pictures, uh, over my, over the years I’ve watched porn and there was this guy, I saw it live where he had his scrotum nailed down, uh, to a, a board his, his Pete shaft and the scrotum was pushed out through the sport and he had a full erection that had rope all around it and he was in the most pleasure he could be in. And you probably witnessed that, right?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I’ve seen things like that before and it’s something they enjoy.

Speaker 2:

It’s all online. Right. This is something we’re talking about that line.

Speaker 3:

I’ve, yes, it is. It is all online a lot. I have done, you know, realtime sessions, but this is online. Um, majority of my work is online and you still have to make sure that they’re being safe. Like you can do video chatting, um, anything you can to make sure that they’re being safe about what they’re doing because their safety is important. Like if you’re any, any type of sessions you’re doing, like you have to do it in a safe way. So talking about portrays definitely a fun thing and then there’s ball busting session done. Uh, you kick them in the balls, which I’ve done that in real life.

Speaker 2:

You have to know what you’re doing right. Cause you could really injure somebody, right?

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes you can. You really can. Um, but a lot of the times, anytime, no, anytime I do a realtime session, if there’s impact play or any type of, um, any type of play like that, I always start out finding out their limits on what they can take first. Um, like I’m not going to go full blown on somebody. Um, I had one that I did impact play with and like I had a paddle and I was, you know, striking him and I would go harder and harder and be like, okay. So like I wanted to see where his limit was and how hard he could take it because you don’t want to hurt someone permanently or cause serious damage to anybody. Um, so you have to make sure that you’re doing things right. And honestly, I’ve tested twice on myself to see how it feels, so I know how it feels on them.

Speaker 2:

Do clients sign a release so that in case they want to say, well she did this to me and I didn’t ask her, you know, it seems like legal problems could happen for you.

Speaker 3:

Um, there are consent. Like there’s, if I’m, especially if I’m doing something like in real time I will talk to them about like, like I’ll meet up with them, talk to them about it, talk about what we want to do and then I will have them sign something saying that they agreed to it. Um, online. It’s like they’re doing it to themselves and they also, um, you have all of the proof that, you know, they consent to it. They asked for it. They, they, they made themselves available to do this and they asked you for it and wanted it, you know, and like I have proof that I was safe about it, you know? But yeah, for realtime. If I’m actually like putting my hands on them and doing things, I do make them sign something and agree like to say, let me ask, I did a lot. And like you did allow this to happen, you know, cause you have to be careful. You really do. Um, if it’s not, you have to make sure it’s consensual and you have to make sure that you have proof that it was because you could get yourself in trouble.

Speaker 2:

So let me ask you something, right? So just like master Judas, uh, I got the feedback, you know, he hates women, he hates gay men. That’s as an outlet for him. I can just know that people are going to say she’s a misandrist. She hates men, she wants to kick them in the balls. She wants to do all these things. What do you say to that?

Speaker 3:

Um, I don’t hate men. I actually just really enjoy like other, like the kinks that I cater to. Like cause just like these, just like these subs that are looking for somebody that can cater to them and to be that outlet for them. It’s the same way for me.

Speaker 2:

Oh, talk about that please. Yes,

Speaker 3:

I am. I’m a Dom. Okay. I’ll clearly, I, I am a status, I am very into many things and just making men beg to me turns me on and it’s exciting for me to do it. It’s as much of a rush for me as it is for them.

Speaker 2:

How did you discover that you like this?

Speaker 3:

Well, in my past relationships I have always been, I’ve always been the more dominant, but I’ve never actually been with a man that was into those things. And I started exploring the community and also started exploring the different fetishes. I actually had someone tell me about the Twitter community and that’s where I started. Um, and that’s where I learned all the different fetishes that there were. Cause there are so many that I didn’t even think about.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. People don’t know this is all over Twitter. All you have to do is put in fin Domme and all this, all these words we’re talking about today in Twitter and it’ll come up. That’s what you’re talking about, right?

Speaker 3:

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If you just type it in, it’s how would you staff? And then like I started doing my research, um, I, I was into impact play before I even got into, and that’s something that like I was really just into was just the impact play in bondage. Um, but like when I started exploring the community and seeing all the different fetishes, I started getting really into it and I started realizing what I just opened up a whole new world for me.

Speaker 2:

I love that you’re saying this cause and admitting it because people would say like, what is her, her end goal here? Right. So like a lot of the straight, like even Judas said, this does not, nest doesn’t turn your mind when he’s doing it to men, but he does get turned on by the power and control. So there’s something about, ah, some of it, and you’re telling me that it’s kind of your kink too, right?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, it has, it doesn’t matter like it, like, like he said, it’s not because he’s doing it to be like, it’s not doing it to a male doesn’t turn him on. No, it’s, it’s being the one in control doing these things. We need that outlet. Like they do. We need that, that, that place we can go to be ourselves and to express herself and it being, being, you can’t just walk around in society and be that way. You can’t, it doesn’t work that way. Um, so when you have this community, it’s your safe spot. And like I said, you’re, you’re doing for them these things and, and they’re getting off on it and it excites them. And it’s just as exciting when you’re doing it to them.

Speaker 2:

People don’t understand cause they can get distracted by the details of all this. But this is basic sexuality. It’s a place to go and play. It’s a place to go and forget. It’s a place to go and be what you can’t be in real life no matter what any of us are doing. And that’s what I love talking about this, this just happens to be the place you go and the subs that meet you. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

Yup.

Speaker 2:

What about female subs? Do you have females? Do females pay you?

Speaker 3:

Oh yeah. I actually really enjoy females. So there are a lot of fun. Um, I there it’s just different talking to a female and like this, I think that they’re more like, they’re, they’re just as obedient and loyal as the males. But like I feel every female sub I have ever dealt with has been a lot more sexual. Like, I mean, I’m not saying that the men aren’t, but like they’re, I just feel, I don’t know. I think women are sexy. So to me it’s just, and it’s not that I don’t like men or, or doing these with men, but like, I don’t know, just, I really have a preference for the female subs because I think they get more into it. I think they’re more sexual about it. I think that, um, a lot of the times they’re more willing to go the distance or further than others are.

Speaker 2:

This is so interesting. Oh, because I just want to say that we were watching my husband and I was watching one night a, a documentary about, um, strip clubs and they showed the difference between a strip club that men go to for women. And a strip clubs that women go for men at the one with the one boy men, straight men were going for women. They were quiet and no one’s talking and at the one for women watching men, they’re hooting, they’re hollering and screaming, take it up. You know, like they’re more expressive. That’s what makes me think about, that’s the difference maybe between men and women.

Speaker 3:

[inaudible] I think that like there, there is a difference. I think that they’re a lot more into it. I think they’re a lot more willing to go further than than most subs that I’ve dealt with. You know, like any girl stub that I’ve ever, ever played with. They just, it’s, it’s hot. How, how, how into it they get and it’s exciting for me.

Speaker 2:

I love, I really appreciate how open you’ve been during this podcast. Would you, the final thing we’d like to ask you is if somebody decides they want to be a fin Dom or they want to be a pro Dom online like that w what advice would you give them?

Speaker 3:

Well, first of all, you need patience because things don’t always happen right away. You have to know what you’re doing before you get into it. You cannot just go on and be like, Oh Hey, I want money for this session and blah blah blah. You need to do your research. You need to know about the King’s, do you need to know about finding out limits for the stubs because you don’t want to push their limits too much. Like there’s hard limits or soft limits. You need to make sure you know, limits while you’re going into these sessions. Like you just do your research, have the patient and understanding before you come into the community because it can be pretty tough to deal with if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Speaker 2:

That’s really, really good advice. Um, anything else you want to say before we come to a close and find out where people can come reach you?

Speaker 3:

Um, they can reach me on Twitter if they want to look into more of my stuff. Um, my handle is at L E X. I underscore D a T 28. Um, and the name’s Dom of the dead. So if anybody wants to reach out to me or find me, I am more than happy to home new people coming into the community and helping them get verified and, and get more into and learn more about these fetishes.

Speaker 2:

One last thing I forgot to ask is why did you, why do you call yourself Dom of the dead? So people know about that too.

Speaker 3:

It’s actually funny because I am a huge fan of horror. I, um, I love blood and Gore and for one year on Halloween, um, I was just mistress Lexi, but I decided to change up my name for Halloween. Um, Dom of the dead just popped in my head and then it never switched back.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 3:

It’s just something that became part of my brand because I’ve always been into the blood and Gore so it stuck.

Speaker 2:

I love it. It’s very, very catchy. And as soon as I heard it, I thought, wow, that I’ve just like things like that cause people can remember you. And, um, and I also love appreciate you coming on the show so people can get to know, not just people that don’t understand pro Dom, femme fandom online Dom, but so that they can make you a real person, you know, and really understand this isn’t, you know, they can make all kinds of comments and troll us on the internet or whatever people do. But these, your real people doing this.

Speaker 3:

Yup. We are, we’re just an app. Like we’re, we’re really just an average person who’s looking for that outlet just like they are.

Speaker 2:

Love it. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you coming on my show. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye. What am I saying?

Speaker 1:

Thanks for listening to this episode of smart sex, smart love. I’m dr Joel court and you can find me on Joe kort.com that’s J O E K O R t.com. See you next time.

 

© 2019 • Smart Sex, Smart Love Podcast Series