Speaker 1: welcome back to my listeners and welcome to all my new listeners. And this week we are here to talk about the latest crazy 2020 dating trends such as flea bagging and Caspering, and how neurolinguistic programming NLP can make you more attractive to women. With me as Mark sing, a world renowned dating coach and NLP practitioner, Mark specializes in one on one coaching where he uses NLP to rewire the meta programming in his client’s heads. Mark firmly believes that men who are unattractive to women aren’t getting success because of what’s going on in their heads. So if they can fix the mechanism, any man, literally any man can experience success with success with women and life. Welcome Mark.
Speaker 3: Hey Joe, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1: Great. It’s great having you. And I’m so glad to talk to you because I have had so many younger men in my office, um, in their twenties who are, I would say very, very attractive. Men have had, um, very good experiences with women. And then suddenly things change or they’re, they get erectile disorder and then they, they say, this is their words. I lost my game. I don’t know what to do. So I’m hoping you’ll, you’ll help address that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1: So what would you say, can you first tell us when we say neuro linguistic programming, NLP? I mean, I’ve heard of it forever. I’m a therapist, but most people don’t know what that means. What is that?
Speaker 3: Right? So neurolinguistic programming works off the basis that we have programs in our head, much like a computer runs on computer programs. And those programs are written within the first seven years of life. So when we’re growing up, we’re very much in an impressionable state and it’s been scientifically proven that your brain waves are actually in the state of feta, which is a mild state of hypnosis. So you’re extremely susceptible to the belief systems of others. You’re susceptible to traumas and you literally write your programming. So as we get older, many of us are dealing with outdated programming. We’re dealing with programming that is insecure, not self affirming. And I work in the realm obviously of helping men specifically with getting attractive to women. And women are very much designed to weed out for low value traits, insecurities, um, men who have self self-deprecating belief systems.
Speaker 3: So what I do is I go in and we can rewrite those programs and we do it with visualizations also called processes. And I take my clients through these visualizations and I put on them in a very mild state of hypnosis. And by doing so, the brain is very nebulous and we can actually rewrite those programs. So I deal with a lot of clients who have issues with shame, self-worth, and of that it’s literally reflected in their tonality and body language and the way they deal with women. And consequently, women don’t get attracted to them. But when we rewrite those programs, then suddenly they feel more confident. They feel they are enough. For example, and then women can become attracted to them simply because it’s through their body language. And by the way, it’s not just, it’s not just for men trying to attract women. It’s also for gay men. Uh, I’ve, I worked with women, you know, all of us have issues that can be dealt with with NLP. So yeah, that’s what I specialize in is taking them through those processes.
Speaker 1: I was going to ask you, because you say so you could help a man who’s looking, you know, who’s a gay man or by a man looking for another man. But you said women are looking for certain cues. What are men looking for the same cues or the different cues?
Speaker 3: You know, uh, to be honest with you, I’m not exactly sure so much what Amanda is looking for in another man. I would believe it’s more based on, on physical looks. But I think also a masculinity does play a big role. So, so women’s attraction is, is based on, um, testosterone levels, success in society, ability to lead and, and I would think that would be attractive to a man as well. So, yeah. You know, I, if there is insecurity there, I’m, I’m sure that it reflects no matter what your sexuality is. And definitely NLP can fix that. And the cool thing about it and the reason I got into it is because I had major issues with anxiety and I got to the point where I was almost losing my mind. And um, through NLP we are able to remove that to where I can come on a podcast like yours and be completely comfortable and speak in front of thousands of people and, and approach a woman who intimidates me and still be able to speak to her confidently and show her that I do have those, you know, those high quality mannerisms and that, you know, um, I am attractive.
Speaker 3: So the stuff is, is amazing because it can really work in just one session. We can remove things that have been plaguing guys and girls for life, for their whole lives. And that’s why I believe in it so wholeheartedly.
Speaker 1: I really love talking to you. I wish I had talked to you when I was seeing this client. I saw him last year and I’m going to contact him to listen to this podcast because I’m telling you he is at 20 he was like a 24 year old, very handsome, very hot. I would say guy and he would go and he would, you know, his hair was perfect and longer hair the way women likes a lot of women like and his body was perfect. He’d go out there and he would just, he would say, you could tell within the first few minutes that I was losing her and I couldn’t figure out what it was for him and it must’ve been his anxiety and his low self esteem.
Speaker 3: Yup. Absolutely. Yeah. It’s communicated and that’s cool thing too, is that as men, even if we aren’t quote unquote attractive, we can still make ourselves really attractive in the eyes of women just by simply working on that BS within our heads so that when we go talk to her, we talked to her much like we talked to somebody we’re not attracted to and guys will will often tell me, Mark, why is it that girls who I’m not attracted to get attracted me? And then the girls that I am attracted to, you don’t get attracted to me. And I’m like, that’s because when you, when you speak to a woman, you’re not attracted to you act perfectly. You’re not trying to get something from, or you’re not being needy. You’re not acting in a way where she feels like you, what’s, what’s this guy want from me? You’re just cool. You’re just calm. You’re just confident. And that gets girls attracted to you when you can have that vibe.
Speaker 1: Now you say you could handle this and deal with this within one session. Is that what you said?
Speaker 3: Typically, yes. Now, obviously many of us have more than just one issue, but typically the way it works is we do one to two issues per session. Now the cool thing is is that, let’s say you have like I did an issue with anxiety. Well it’s a lot like a forest where that tree of anxiety is a big tree and it’s affecting other trees in the root systems. So when you pull that tree out, when you get rid of it, other trees come up along with it. So we could say that in one session we remove one big issue, but then a lot of issues come up after it. And I get emails all the time of Mark. I can’t believe how I feel after our session. I just feel clean and smooth and confident and like that weight has been lifted off my shoulders and in other areas like, you know, my relations are better with my boss. Uh, these things are happening. So as you know, as a therapist yourself, many issues are interrelated. So we always go after the biggest gestalt, the biggest chunk. And by the end of the session we can typically remove a lot of different things as well. So that’s why, again, I got into it cause they worked so well for me. I see how well it works for other people. I’m a 100% believer in it, do it every day and see these results every day. So I’m fired up about it. I absolutely love it.
Speaker 1: Can you do it long distance, like on the phone or webcam or does it have to be in person?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I do actually do everything on the phone. So I have clients all over the world. Um, have a client in Sweden. I have a client from Kenya living in Australia, all kinds of cool clients that I get to meet. So yeah, it’s all over the phone.
Speaker 1: Okay. Can you tell us a little bit about these new words that I’m just learning, this flea bagging, dial, toning, white, Cline, Casper green, what the hell are these things?
Speaker 3: So, you know, in today’s world more and more it’s moving online because, uh, it’s just, it’s frankly just a lot easier and things are becoming less personal. So there’s these phenomenons that are coming up where, you know, people are Casper each other or white client each other. And so these are terminologies that people use when they, um, do things to each other on the, on the social media and via text and stuff like that. So for example, flea bagging is to seriously seriously date people who just aren’t good for you. And that, that comes down to meta programming too. Um, oftentimes, you know, we have an issue that happened in our childhood. Maybe our father was a certain way or our mother was a certain way and we get attracted to that same kind of person to play out that same scenario and think that we can change it. So when you’re, when you’re a flee bagger, you’re dating people who just are wrong for you. And it’s probably because of some internal issue like that.
Speaker 1: So that’s like the, there’s a Netflix show called Fleabag and that’s what it’s about, right? It must be, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then
Speaker 3: I actually, I, I was reading that the other day and I was like, Oh, I got to check this out. And it was, it was pretty entertaining.
Speaker 1: I don’t think I watched the ones, I didn’t get very, very hooked. What’s dialed toning
Speaker 3: dial. Toning is a to get somebody’s number, reach out and then never get a reply. Now this happens a lot to guys because um, and guys with guys, women with guys even, because it’s easier to give your phone number to somebody than to tell them no. So oftentimes all have clients that say, Hey, listen, I get numbers, but girls never texted me back. And I often tell them, well, it’s just easier for them to give them your number and say, okay, bye. Yeah, text me. And then they just block you. Right? So the issue there is they’re not getting enough attraction in the first conversation. To be honest, getting a number is easy. Getting a phone number that’ll stick. That’s a completely different story. And that’s often what I focus on as well in my coaching.
Speaker 1: Now what about white Klein?
Speaker 3: Why calling us to date somebody exclusively for their good looks and God knows we’ve all been guilty of that.
Speaker 1: Well, I don’t, I will tell you, I would say that that defines our most gay men. That’s the gay culture. But I don’t know if that’s as true for heterosexual guys. Is it okay?
Speaker 3: Oh, of course. Absolutely. Because men are men, right? Gay or straight. We’re attracted to look, we’re very visual. So I mean absolutely guys will put up with a lot just to try to date somebody as good looking. But eventually, you know that person really has to shine. The personality has to click if you’re going to stay with somebody, I mean looks only lasts so long as all of us very well know
Speaker 1: [inaudible] and Casper and what’s that?
Speaker 3: It took go someone but offer an explanation for it. So to ghost somebody is to just stop texting them. Right? And we’ve, we’ve also all done that. But when you Casper them, you’re a little bit more friendly about and you say, Hey listen, you know, it didn’t work out because the X, Y, Z reason. So have a nice life. And it’s usually done over texting, which I always kind of say, Hey, if you’ve gone on a couple of dates with somebody, it’s cool to text them and say, Hey, it just isn’t going to work out. Maybe a couple months of dating, you should probably do it over the phone and then maybe beyond that and do it in person, you know, cause texting somebody and breaking up with them when you’ve been with them for a long time is, is kind of a, uh, not a cool move to do. So the spring is when you do it, but at least you offer an explanation.
Speaker 1: I’m glad you were encouraged that because I think that’s one of the worst part of dating for everyone. And for me too, when I used to date is just the person stops and you never know why. And you’re wondering why and you make it all about you. Like that movie, it’s, what was the name of that movie or that book? It’s not all about you or I forget what it was called. Oh, it was a big, huge movie. It’s something about, it wasn’t all about you, but that’s what, that’s what a lot of people feel like, what did I do? And so you help these guys tell people, here’s why I’m not interested in dating you. Is that right?
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, I do. And God knows I’ve done it myself. I’m thinking of a specific situation in the past where she had really bad breath. Like how do you tell somebody that, you know, I mean, and I didn’t work up the courage to do it, but, um, I think nowadays I’m, I’m a lot more blunt and forward with people now and I think if you think of a good way to tell somebody that, then it’s, it’s often something good for them because then they can fix it moving forward. So I always encourage to have courage and say what needs to be said to help somebody rather than being selfish and just, you know, ghost them as it were and never talk to them again.
Speaker 1: Right. I had a client once who was worried, you know, he really wanted to do the right thing. He didn’t want to be mean, but he was just not really into this woman. He hadn’t dated her that long. And I said, just, you know, send her an email and just say, you know, I’m really, I had a nice time with you. I don’t feel the chemistry and I wish you luck in your search. And he did that and she wrote back and she said, go fuck yourself. Good luck on my search, you asshole. You know, like shit list. And I thought it was a really nice thing to say, but everybody’s got their own feelings around this. Right?
Speaker 3: Yeah. But what he did was right. And that’s what, that’s how I would always break it off too, is listen, I had a great time with you, but I just didn’t feel the connection is there to warrant, uh, taking this any further. Didn’t want to waste your time. So, um, I wish you nothing but the best. And yeah, it’s, sometimes you get those reply F-you but that’s just because they like you. So take it kind of as a compliment, you know, and, and move on with your life. So it happens, you know, date dating isn’t easy, especially when it comes to the end. But if you do it with maturity and equanimity, then you did your best and you can be proud of that.
Speaker 1: How long does it last? So let’s say a guy comes to you, he’s lost his game, he says, and you help him in one session, get past the anxiety and then, um, does it last or do you have to do more work after time?
Speaker 3: Yeah. So it lasts for each individual component that we tackle. So if he comes to me with what is typical is a sense of shame or I’m not good enough or approach anxiety is also a big issue, I don’t want to inconvenience her with my approach. We’ll work on that. And in the one session that’s gone, right, they’re over it. But inevitably, you know, getting attractive to women or getting attracted to men or even women becoming more attractive to men. It’s a process. You know, I’m not an overnight cure. I am a one session cure for an individual component. But if you want to get attracted to women than I do offer a monthly coaching. And typically I work with clients anywhere from one to two months and I break it up into monthly coaching, including videos that I created, programs that I created. I give them homework and accountability.
Speaker 3: We install goals. We do NLP processes specifically geared towards getting them the result that they want. And typically most guys want to, um, I’m just going to be honest with you, a lot of guys want to sleep with a lot of women initially and then choose the best one to settle down with 99% of the time. That’s what I hear my calls. So what we do is we get them, uh, in that situation and I also, uh, happened to be pretty darn good at offering tactical advice. Um, you know, how to approach what to talk about, how to get her attracted, how to get the phone number, how to text her, what to do on the first day, how to physically escalate through that whole process. And it usually takes a one to two months to get that knocked out. So that that’s typically what I do.
Speaker 1: I think it’s with the me too movement, it’s really important to distinguish that what you’re doing is helping a man gain mastery and control over himself. He’s not trying to gain mastery over her from all these techniques. Cause I can just hear a lesson we’re thinking that, you know?
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly. And you know, at first when I was a dating coach, I used to hesitate about telling people I’m a dating coach. But you know, I’ve never really had a bad reaction to that maybe a couple of times. But what I always tell people is, look, I’m teaching guys to behave how they behave any way. If they didn’t have their self esteem ruined when they were a child,
Speaker 4: love that.
Speaker 3: This is how you’d behave anyway. And really it’s about becoming a better man. You know, I put up the, the, the front that I’m a dating coach, but ultimately I’m a life coach because really it’s about improving yourself. When you become more happy with yourself, when you become higher self esteem, then women get attracted to you as a result. And certainly, you know, there’s, there’s no real manipulation in it. It’s just how you’d act anyway when you’re confident and you love yourself and you appreciate her as a woman. And rather than trying to get something from her, I always encouraged guys to give, go, go, give her some value. And that’s what I say, go be a go giver.
Speaker 4: I really encouraged wake go giver. Love that. Very good.
Speaker 1: Yes it is. I love, I’ve been learning so many different words doing these podcasts. I love, we had a divorce coach and she called her ex husband. Her was banned.
Speaker 4: I loved it.
Speaker 3: I love that I was feeling that way.
Speaker 1: It was really good. Can you just give us like an example of an NLP technique that you use right now to, with people to better themselves.
Speaker 3: Okay. So, yeah, sure. Do you want me to do a quick NLP process with you
Speaker 4: okay. For your audience? Yes.
Speaker 3: Okay, cool. So, um, do you have any anxiety about anything? Um, anything coming up? Anything you may feel some anxiety about?
Speaker 1: Um, yeah, I have a fear of Heights. Is that, uh, anxiety about that or is that it has to be situational.
Speaker 3: Um, we can do a fear of Heights now. Now that kind of thing would, would, uh, require a more intensive NLP process. But I’m just going to do a kind of quick one that I can do to a general audience. So where do you feel that fear inside of you? When you think of Heights, so pretend you’re standing up on a big bridge right now and you’re looking over and you’re standing on the railing and you’re about to get pushed off. Where do you feel that fear inside of you?
Speaker 1: It’s the strangest thing. I feel it in my feet and they get really sweaty.
Speaker 3: Okay. If we were give that feeling a color, what color would it be?
Speaker 1: Oh, good question. Blue.
Speaker 3: Okay. What I want you to do is with your imagination, just pretend you’re pulling that feeling out of your body, that blue feeling out of your body. And I want you to bring it up out of your feet and put it in front of you about two feet in front of you. And there it is just floating in front of you. Do you see that?
Speaker 1: Yes, I do.
Speaker 3: Okay. Now what I want you to do is I’ll want you to bring it closer to your face. Instead of being two feet out in front of your face and I want you to bring it two inches in front of your face. Do you feel that feeling more or less? Now
Speaker 1: I feel a little bit less.
Speaker 3: Okay, good. Now what I want you to do is push it back out to two feet and you know how we can make pictures bigger and smaller on our cell phone with our thumbs. What I want you to do is I want you to shrink that feeling down and bring it all the way down to the size of a postage stamp.
Speaker 4: Okay?
Speaker 3: Now what I want you to do is I want you to grab it like you would a postage stamp, but with two hands and what we’re going to do is we’re going to throw up behind us, almost like you’re throwing it like a basketball from half court into the basketball hoop. And on the count of three, we’re going to Chuck that feeling behind us and it’s going to fly very far. It’s going to have a lot of speed, impressive speed, and fly behind you. So on the count of three, you’re going to Chuck it. Three, two, one, throw it behind you. And there it goes. It’s going, it’s going, it’s going. It’s going one mile, two miles, three miles, and boom, it hits a brick wall. Now what I want you to do is I want you to float all the way back to that brick wall and I’m handing you a hammer and a nail, and I want you to hammer that posted Stites postage stamp sized little blue square into that brick wall. So hammer it in. Now what I want you to do is I want you to build a titanium vault around that brick wall. So with your imagination, just build a titanium vault. Let me know when that’s done.
Speaker 1: Okay? It’s done.
Speaker 3: And float back to where you were originally. Now that feeling is behind you and this, this is an NLP, a core principle that when you throw something behind you, it’s in the past.
Speaker 4: Hmm.
Speaker 3: Now try to feel it and tell me, compared to the first time you felt it, how much do you feel that now?
Speaker 1: I feel it lasts. There’s no doubt. I feel less. I still see it. I still feel it, you know? Um, but not the same. It’s not the same.
Speaker 3: Yeah. So that was a little, you know, quirky, uh, NLP process we can do quickly on a podcast like this. And certainly if we were to work together on the phone, we would get much more intrusive. We’d go much deeper with other podcasts. But that’s an example of how the visualization work and one quick sample of, of how NLP works. So it’s fun and we get to visualize all these cool things and um, yeah, it really, it really does work.
Speaker 1: I like it. Do you work with guys around erectile disorder too when they have that cause that’s a common concern for younger men these days.
Speaker 3: Absolutely.
Speaker 1: Yes. I have had clients that do have that issue and there are actually specific NLP processes that work on that issue specifically cause it’s very common. And um, yeah, it’s, it’s not a fun thing to go through. So absolutely. I do work on that. Yeah. Okay. That’s really great. And, and when you talk about meta program, can you define that? What does it mean program?
Speaker 3: It’s almost like the software that’s running in our heads that dictates how we behave.
Speaker 1: I see. I like you calling it software and that it can be changed like you’re doing it
Speaker 3: cause cause the brain as you know, probably better than anyone that the brain is extremely nebulous. It’s um, you know, neuroplasticity, we can change what’s going on inside our brains and, and these visualizations, the reason they work is because that’s how we think. If I were to tell you to imagine a Ferrari, you’re not going to imagine it as zeros and ones. You’re going to imagine it as probably a red Ferrari that’s sitting right there in front of you. You’re going to visualize it. So when we use visualization, it gets into the process of how your brain thinks anyway. And through that we can kind of get our foot in the door and then remap everything inside via that visualization.
Speaker 1: That makes sense. Can you, you’ve been talking a lot about how to do this in person with people. Can you give our audience some strategies to get more success on dating apps?
Speaker 3: Absolutely. So yeah, so the dating apps are, are interesting and one of the ways, I’m just going to give you this really effective way that, um, I kind of ran into accidentally and I’ve been teaching this to my clients and they’ve been having great success with it. So when you match with somebody, let’s say, first of all, it’s important to remember that females particularly are very much social validation seekers. So a lot of the women that are on dating apps are just doing it to kind of get attention and get validated. So if you get a match with a woman and you’re surprised that she doesn’t write you back cause you guys, you feel you’re so perfect, you know this is kind of par for the course. So you can expect immediately that uh, 50 to 30 to 50% of the girls are going to drop off just off the bat because they’re just looking for validation.
Speaker 3: But one of the best ways that I’ve come up with to get a response is instead of sending a message, now this can be used on um, Tinder. It can be huge on match.com. Plenty of fish for Reinder. It can be used on Instagram as well. And this is a little piece of gold that I’m slightly reluctant to share on a podcast, but man, screw it. Let’s go for it. This is brilliant. This works. So dang. Well you actually make a video. You make a video introducing yourself. Hey, I saw your profile, I just wanted to make you a quick video. Everybody else sends messages. So I figured this would be a great way to stand out from the crowd. My name’s Mark. And then you blah blah blah. Go on. One of the things that we did with a recent client of mine is he’s in the kitchen and he’s pouring a bowl of cereal and he’s like, as you can see, I’m a world-class chef. Uh, sometimes, uh, he’s like, sometimes I cook my semis, my semi famous spaghetti and semi famous because it only comes out good half of the time I invite you to come experience my culinary half genius.
Speaker 1: I love it.
Speaker 3: Yes. So he makes this video right now you don’t, you don’t have to make it specifically for each girl. What you do is you are each guy, what you do is you just make a very general video and you say, Hey, I made this for you. Maybe like a minute long, real quick. Cause people don’t have a lot of time and you send it to people. Whoa, my God, their response rate is ridiculous. Even if they’re not interested, they’ll respond saying, ha ha ha, that was brilliant. Thank you so much for sending that to me. But whatever. I have a boyfriend or I’m seeing somebody. But rather than doing the same thing that everybody does, you do something different. Stand out from the crowd and get amazing results because of it. And that’s what I really focus on in my teaching is how can we put you in the position where you stand out and you differentiate yourself from all the other guys doing all the other same stuff. And we’ve had really good success with those kinds of ideas.
Speaker 1: Mark, that really, really is brilliant. It’s so good because people always say, I don’t, I don’t have a feel for you. You’re just a still picture. You know, I don’t. So this gives them a more dimensional, um, uh, presentation of the person. It’s awesome. You should copy write that. So what did we, we, we have to come to an end, but what do you want everyone else to know that we didn’t get to before we end? Like what’s the one other thing that we didn’t talk about?
Speaker 3: Well, I do have a podcast like you do and I’m pretty proud of this podcast. I drop a lot of gold on it. Uh, very similar to what I just said about the dating apps. Uh, you can check that out as the unapologetic man podcast. If you can spell unapologetic, then you deserve to listen to Michael.
Speaker 1: I love it. That’s very good. All right, so the podcast is the [inaudible] and the unapologetic, the unapologetic man. You have to be able to say it too.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, that’s, that’s the podcast. And I focus, I do, I focus on men trying to attract women, but I also do, um, there’s a lot of stuff on there about NLP anxiety becoming a better man. We also talk about making more money, um, getting in shape, having discipline. So it’s very much a self-improvement podcasts and I’m quite proud of it. You know, I tried to really give good value the way that you do on your podcast and really, um, respect people’s time because people’s time is valuable and I try to give gold on that podcast. So once again, if you can spell that unapologetic, then, uh, you have rights to the gold that I leave on there, so please check it out. I would very much appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Mark. This was great. I very good information. Thank you for coming on my show.
Speaker 3: Hey, thank you so much for having me. I really enjoyed it.
Speaker 1: All right, and for those of you listening, this was smart sex, smart love, and please don’t forget to rate, review and subscribe and you can find me on Twitter at dr Joe court and Instagram at dr Joe Kort. Thanks for listening and I’ll see you next time. Thanks for listening to this episode of smart sex, smart love. I’m dr Joel court and you can find me on Joe kort.com that’s J O E K O R t.com.
Speaker 2: See you next time.